Ethics Complaint Update: The Courage To Come Forth

Yesterday was a banner day for me; a real high mark. Not exactly what I would call a celebratory day but a time of recognizing my liberation.

Oh, the exhilaration of seeing one’s life from a height, rather than low!

A bit like the Jews leaving Egypt; freedom from bondage., yet with another forty years ahead of wandering in the desert before one actually can reach the Promised Land.

But not exactly like that either, as I don’t expect it to take me another forty years from now to find my way to My Jerusalem.

So what was it about yesterday that was so momentous?

Looking back on it, I don’t really know.

I’m not sure I can describe the significance, right now, today, as I sit here writing at my computer, certain, on one hand however, that my expression of words sent out beyond my former habitual way of keeping most things to myself, now exchanged for an outward thrust of expression, is a significant part of what made yesterday a banner day.

Might that be the center of it? My simply coming out from being the hermit I have generally been, at least beginning with my losing my eyesight and being blind for eight years (1998 – 2006).

A piece of the puzzle about the banner day of yesterday, likely, has to do with my taking my self-expression, as indicated by my blog article postings, to a next higher level than usual,  by asking a few select friends that I trust to love and care about me, to “please pay attention” to what I had just posted online.

That single request -- “please pay attention” (to me) is, possibly, what set the day apart.

There I was; the one who had many times paid the “cost of the quiet,” almost to the extreme as had L. Wren Scott, down to my near demise, choosing to put the whole of me out, front and center.

Not just the looking good, as in my “Hot Pants, Motorcycles and K Street” days but who I am, all the way down deep.

I had written the following to one person, copied to a choice handful of others.

Dear M, 

I am sending this missive to you because of our close relationship of many years. 

The letter that follows is posted to my blog site. Here is the actual link. 

However, I am sending this to you, personally, in this email, as I want you to know that your being aware of what is now transpiring for me, means a great deal. 

Your support is priceless. If you have none to give in terms of checking in with me, to talk, as this saga unfolds, please at least hold me in your heart and mind with love and prayers for a glorious, hoped for outcome. 

Have a nice day. 

See you soon. 

With Affection, 

Your friend Anastasia  

My important letter --The Revealing Of Secrets

This effort of mine, along with a few phone calls and texts I sent out, has netted me an expanded network of supporters tenfold, meaning that last week I had about two or three people knowing details about my ethics complaint plus a few more. Today, I already at twenty plus!  

Not a crowd but enough to spread out to potential supporters for the various personal needs I might come up with, from time to time, as I carry my Ethics Complaint process forward for the touchdown for which I am taking aim.

Still I am at a loss to explain, even to myself, of the “why” yesterday seems almost historic to me.

Perhaps the reason is primarily about “liberation,” the liberation of revealing secrets, long-held. 

After all, I had just spent the weekend in a most significant way, as I indicated yesterday. The tale of those few days, as I spent them with Abuser #1 was almost beyond imagining. 

And, the importance of those days, incorporated into the whole of my Ethics Complaint process, unfolding, will forever stand out for me as truly amazing!

Of course, I am planning to tell you, my readers and supporters, about these aspects when the time comes. But not just yet!

All of it will make for good storytelling, in due time -- and many teachable lessons.

But today, what might be most noteworthy is the combination of relief and trepidation I feel at putting so much of me out front. Thus I am reminded of a little book I read long ago titled “Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?"

From that little tome, the words that stand out most for me, in answer to the posed question of the title, go something like –

“If I tell you who I am, and you don’t like it, that’s all I have."

So maybe the courage to come forth for women like myself in this era of #Metoo includes not only the revealing of dark secrets, long-held, and what all of that, in and of itself, can mean, but also in the telling there may be backlash, as the hearers of one’s tales have their reactions to what they are being told.

Storytelling is not always easy, I conclude. But then again, maybe “story listening” isn’t always so easy either.

And, like the Jews in their exodus from Egypt, even traveling with others, as are many women today in their #Metoo speaking out, the trek across the desert of unknown miles is not an easy one, in spite of the hoped for destination that lies ahead.