Reflections On Leadership, After Trump’s Aborted Impeachment Trials

The day after Donald Trump’s aborted Senate impeachment trials ended, I awakened into morning reverie with a desire to share reflections deriving from my conversations with G-d that generally usher in my day. 

It seemed to have been a good long time since I felt prompted to do so, having spent so many months, actually the years following the 2016 presidential election, at sixes and sevens, both for myself, personally, and in leading my non-profit organization, the New Horizons/Small “Zones Of Peace.

Since the start of the formal impeachment efforts by the Congressional House Democrats there had been a sense of relief in me, perhaps in others too. 

The voices of reason and justice had spoken out truths, if not purely and perfectly, but at least in ways that made sense to me overall, resonating with values I respected. Once given voice, as they were in, more or less orderly fashion, they could no longer be ignored and submerged beneath the chaos and corruption of Donald Trump’s White House and his GOP allies.  

History would, now, live to tell the tale, even if the Senate would not.

Not too many days later, given that our organization had, at last, gotten its eBay store for fundraising set up and ready to go, I found myself listing for sale the one remaining copy of Ahmsta Kebzeh: The Science Of Universal Awe, Volume I we were holding, written by our esteemed, now deceased, Community Development Mentor, Murat Yagan. 

Abkhazian Elder, Murat Yagan

The book sold off of eBay almost instantly. 

However, I didn’t, at first, make the connection between my impetus to want to share some of the content of my conversations with G-d and my listing that long-held book, given to us by Murat, personally, close to fifteen years ago. Not too much later, however, I realized that each was my way of making a statement, if only to myself, of the kind of leadership I respect and honor  -- and to which I would, from here forth, return my most pointed attentions.

Nothing at all like we are seeing in the purported leaders of our country!

Along with this certainty in myself arose a staunch unwillingness to allow any more of my precious life time and energy to be drawn into b…s..t, the kind that proliferates these days through the halls of the White House and Congress, large corporations, even with my neighborhood plumber who, by the way, stood me up last evening, with a no-show for fixing the leaky pipe that was drowning my lower level kitchen in water. 

This morning I remedied that latter breech of ethics by hiring a more professional handyman service that came through for me within hours, bringing into my home the kind of ethics and responsibility that I find most comforting!  How I wish I could be free of our “fake” governmental leaders as quickly and easily!

The whole of my internal responses, body, mind and spirit, that day after the aborted impeachment trials ended, showed me I have more than enough clarity in my head – and my heart to know where I stand personally, to know what I need to do next in order that I do my best to maintain, or seek to sustain, order in my life where chaos bred of human corruption appears to take a lead. 

No more sixes and sevens! No more energy drains for me, from those who pretend to lead while, at the same time, seeking to destroy! And, with this resolve, no more morning waking rushing to check the news online, out of fear and a deep yearning for an order in my life I had formerly trusted our government, established as a democracy, to ensure.
I was DONE with it all! 

From here forth, the values I most respect would set the tone of my days. 

The House Congressional representatives with their impeachment actions had given me/us that, even with their efforts being aborted in the Senate. Lies and corruption had been formally recorded. Truth would not die, nor the fact of the actions that stood up for it.
Not long after that morning after, I asked myself “Where might concerned, voting Americans find a place to settle and rest securely and peacefully, after the aborted senate impeachment trials of D0nald Trump?

Likely I pose a challenging question to many, as perhaps our whole country is at sixes and sevens?   And, how would citizens who are more aligned with my thinking move forward?
Half the voting population is celebrating the acquittal of Trump.

Another good half of which I am a part, those who uphold values, differing markedly from the dominant GOP we watched, handling themselves with a deliberate investment to remain ignorant throughout this impeachment ordeal, are angry, possibly frightened, sad or in despair, experiencing trauma, on a national level as essential principles or standards of behavior were desecrated,. 

No that does not strike me as correct! I am not with this segment, either, in these responses.

For me, the warped ways of the Senate GOP have now strengthened my convictions, in this time of greatest divisiveness, to uphold the values with which I was raised, including teaching me to look to leadership I can honor. Men like Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. come immediately to mind. Yet closer still to where my heart sits in comfort are the images of my father, along with a more current teacher, also deceased as is my father, Murat Yagan, from whom I had many long years to learn, personally.

So, now in the aftermath of b.s such I had never imagined in what I thought to be the hallowed halls of American government, most especially in the White House and Congress, I am reaching out in my mind and spirit to these wise elders I have known most closely, rededicating myself to holding them in prime space, allowing these who have gone before me that I hold most in esteem and love for the dignity, integrity, courage. love and wisdom they have shown me by their principles lived out, congruently, through their actions, albeit not totally with perfection.

I regret that there are no women among these role models of mine, only men. But perhaps it is, now up to women, like Nancy Pelosi and others who have, particularly recently, taken stands for justice and right, women like myself included.

From here forth I want things to be different in my life, not at all like the past four years have been. I don’t yet know what that will look like for me and for those around me upon whose lives I have influence though "Seeking Sanctuary In These Turbulent Times" will certainly have a priority. But I do know from here forth, the coming years will not look, feel or be like the past four years, whether Donald Trump is reelected or not! 

Thomas Paine spoke these words on December 23, 1776, in the midst of the Revolutionary War. They are no less meaningful today.

 “THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated”

How To Avoid Being Trapped By Dark Side Leaders, Whoever They Might Be

Watergate showed me how to avoid colluding with Dark Side type leaders. What I have learned is keeping me relatively calm in the era of Trump. Most particularly I have learned to not get myself too deep into taking sides.

Most of us can see that Donald Trump is one of  those leaders who engage those who are subordinate into collusions and conspiracies in the service of the personal agendas of each. But leaders of this ilk are all around us. Do not be seduced by them.

Don't be one of those who gets hooked by this -- from anyone.  Rather find your way to stay as calm and centered in the personal values you trust most in yourself and leaders who have been tried and true for you. This is a way, I have found, to get through stormy weather.

Remember Pinocchio? He got hooked, off track with where he needed to be going and paid the price. Be smarter than Pinocchio.

Herein lies the core of codependency; one person leading the way into the addict game, others joining in for their own gains. Check yourself out on my Survivor/Addict Inventory to discover what might be your inclinations in this direction; collusion with the Dark Side.

Then, check out this link, Explore Your Dark Side to find guidelines that can assist you in staying on the high road, instead of the low. This link, Winner and Losers Paradigms can also help.

The better we can “see,” each of us independently, as well as collectively, we can be moving to “see” how goes the Swamp GAME  and how to get ourselves out of it. Being in the GAME is dependent on an absence of dealing with full reality and the related laws of nature, wholeness, health, and integrity. Anyone of us can be in it now, as we deal with what to do when president’s lie and the American public attempts to deal with the darkness.

The new tag line of the Washington Post offers us a way to think on this –

“Democracy dies in darkness”

Our job now is to keep searching for the Light. And stay on track with it. This is the Power Of One. Hold to it with all your might.

Ten Dark Side patterns that can pull you down into the "swamp"' that you may be complaining about while standing on the edge of it yourself.

1.  Being judgmental, rather than analytical about the multitude of sides that are presently vying for power;
2. Becoming extreme in your views about the chaos currently pervading our country;
3. Getting hooked on the excitement the chaos is creating so that your own, personal life gets off balance;
4. Spending excessive amounts of time watching the news, talk shows that keep you emotionally engaged in the present upheaval surrounding us;
5. Not making room for face time with family and friends;
6. Allowing your self to become unduly angry about things you are hearing about or reading so that you bring hostilities into your everyday relationships with others;
7. Operating out of an enemy mentality about others;
8. Finding yourself becoming reactive or volatile with people who think or feel differently than you; 
9. Allowing yourself to sink into depression or feelings of hopelessness about our country;
10. Believing that you, alone, are powerless and thus allowing yourself to become passive about taking problem solving actions.

Here is another of my personal stories, dating back to Watergate, having to do with dealing with the darkness in the Oval Office, beginning first with noticing it. Then learning from what you are seeing. Finally, applying lessons from what you are seeing to help.you know what not to do.

 I offer it here, partially, to illustrate that learning how to do right things can take time and have many root causes that make this a challenge. But hangin' in will, eventually get you to clarity and comfort. 

This is how I began learning from a dark and troubling time, the era of Watergate, that changed my life, all for the good.

Watergate, in many ways, above and beyond all, showed me what not to do and why; the consequences of lying and other forms of manipulation and deception. Washington, D.C., at the time of my departure, was full up with this kind of interacting; a complete training ground for what not to do. 

In August, 1974, as I watched the Watergate hearings on the several days I spent in a hospital bed, awaiting cornea transplant surgery (in those days long ago procedures such as this were in patient, not outpatient), I had nothing to do but watch the television.

I had been hospitalized for days already. I was at the point in my life, then, when I had just exited being actively involved with the D.C. fast track. Taking leave of the business I had started there in 1966, I had just returned to college to finish up an undergraduate degree in psychology and had simultaneously started a post graduate clinical training program with the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA). Although I still had academics to complete, I had fortunately been able to qualify for the latter, the ITAA program, along with M.D.s, PhDs, MSWS and other highly credentialed professionals, due to a special provision.

Theoretically Transactional Analysis (TA) is, at its core, based on applying a studied understanding of the individual personality and, most importantly, how that individual functions in the world, healthfully or, alternatively, dysfunctionally.

So there I lay in my hospital bed, having just completed my first two years as a clinical trainee in this area of psychology, TA, entertaining myself, to pass my wait time, by analyzing the interpersonal transactions going on before me in the Watergate hearings.

It was the day before Nixon was to resign as president of our country. And I had now been hospitalized for several days already, watching the tv; knowing, without a doubt, that John Dean was telling the truth and Nixon lying. In retrospect one of the things that stands out most for me, about these days, was my certainty of this! While those around me seemed to still be uncertain; maybe confused by all that had happened, maybe in shock.

It was truly shocking to us that our president would lie to the American people. We were still recovering from the assassinations of three Beloved key leaders in our country, JFK, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy. Additionally, most of us had been raised celebrating the lives of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in annual events in school. Further, we were not too far away from the days when both Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his wife, Eleanor, had easily merited our respect. 

Thus it was oxymoronic, for mainstream citizens to consider Richard Nixon, at that time, the President of the United States of America, as anything but close to heroic, give or take a political or personal flow, here and there. We did not yet know how to think in terms of our being betrayed by someone in this office. Now, for better or worse, we are no longer so innocent,

Nonetheless, I was certain on this day that Nixon was lying, without doubt, while others seemed still not to be. Many years later I came to think that the distinction between the others and myself may have been that though, unconscious at the time, I was viewing Nixon, as well as the  conspiracies and collusions surrounding him, as an actor behaving as I had seen my mother do. 

Thus in an odd way, watching the Watergate trials and the actions that led up to it, was like watching a day in my family; essentially same nuances, same kind of lying, denying, manipulating and colluding. 

Growing up my mother and her family were a replication of Nixon’s White House! But this I did not realize until decades later.

Nonetheless, over the years following Nixon’s resignation, a determination and a passion to know and understand the interpersonal dynamics of Watergate developed in me. I wanted to become so familiar with all of this that, as a professional, I could become adept at transforming the dysfunctions I witnessed. 

I would, thus, know how to turn the dark side into the Light. This insatiable yearning brought me to study under the guidance of a psychiatrist mentor, Martin G. Groder, M.D. who had learned his lessons about the dark side as the second prison psychiatrist at the the federal corrections facility, built to replace Alcatraz, the Marion Federal Penitentiary.

My three, still unpublished Random House books, document the many theories and clinical interventions Groder taught me, added to what I learned of basic TA. That is what has brought me here, now, with every cell of my heart and soul yearning for the American people to rise above darkness in any leader and/or his/her associates.

I have been most fortunate to, also, eventually, long after my days with Groder, to find another mentor, Murat Yagan, who helped me go even further on the quest the Watergate break-in and resulting upheaval prompted. Murat and the community of people that gathered to learn the teachings of his ancient Abkhazian culture from him, showed me an even higher path to seek; all about what to do instead of not do! 

Watergate showed me what darkness looked like, especially when lies and power abuses are the primary elements of it. Murat helped me see Light and how to keep striving for it. Watergate (and ITAA and Marty) showed me what not to do. Murat showed me what to do.

I've been learning what to do instead ever since. It is definitely a discipline, most importantly shared with other of like mind who help one another stay on track.

I hope you are learning too, what to do. And every day, conscientiously, applying what you learn.

It is truly a life-long endeavor. But well worth the effort!

These are the days when “all good men (and women) to come to the aid of”….. truth, goodness and integrity, a philosophy originally attributed to Patrick Henry.

For “all that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men (and women) to do nothing,” a philosophy originally attributed to parliamentarian Edmund Burke.

Winners And Losers In The Time Of Trump

I was clearing away clutter, cleaning and updating my files the other day when I came across a graphic handout on winner and loser characteristics I’d used in one of my Random House books. I had also made use of it for workshops I’d done before my blind times short circuited my career as a psychotherapist and researcher.  In the midst of my endeavor this long forgotten piece struck my eye as being more than apropos for today’s circumstances.

You can see a scanned version of the original handout below. A revised chart is now on my Exploring Your Dark Side site.

The contents of the page got me thinking about our current socio-political conditions, which, of course. are mostly under the sway of our not so esteemed president, Donald Trump.

What does it mean to be a winner in this time of Trump and Team, I asked myself. And, more personally, what does it mean for me to be a winner in this era?

I have always valued success. It is one of the prime values with which I was raised. At times, however, the reverence members of my family attach to the attainment of -- money, status, material goods -- and – please don’t forget righteousness in this list, have caused me no undue amount of distress. 

To illustrate that which my family most prizes, the following are a sampling that illustrates that, if nothing else, we marry well.

By marriage we have, in our family rank, called the “mispochah” in Yiddish, a football hall of fame inductee, an academy award winning movie star, a former Ohio State’s Attorney, a world renowned cancer researcher and surgeon, lawyers, doctors, successful entrepreneurs, my father being one of these, and many millions of dollars in collective assets.

Our family is also rife with lies, collusions and a few conspiracies. Following the lies and the money in my family will most likely lead you to enough darkness to match Donald Trump and Team. No accident, therefore, that Nixon and the Watergate break-in scandal would have drawn as much long-term interest and conscientious study from me, as it has. The whole of it, in its myriad antics, was, for me, like watching the drama of my family, being played out right before my eyes. With my mother the lead character, Nixon as her stand in!

Nonetheless I have come to establish my own values and measures for success and achievement, finding a place for myself that I can truly honor. In my system, generosity, including charitable giving, without hidden agendas (in my family there is little without these), whether of “time, talent or treasures,” ranks right up there with health, family and friendships. The projects and programs of New Horizons have always reflected this focus of mine.

In the past six months or so, however, I have witnessed almost every endeavor New Horizons has conscientiously worked to develop and refine, since I returned to work in 2006, needing to be put aside for the time being. Additionally, I have found almost every perspective I hold dear as to how people treat one another and can best progress through life, optimally, called in to question. Still, at New Horizons, we are persevering, as we seek out new ways of contributing to our various communities that best represent us in these troublesome times.

With all this going on, I should not have been surprised that I awoke this morning wondering where true winning, for me, lies in the whole scheme of current ups and downs. One of several available definitions of “win” tells us that to win is to achieve victory or finish first in a competition. Given my family background, I have long known that such a definition of winning, as this, leaves out many essentials, denoting success, by my value system. 

For example, one day when I was a young adult, I complained to my most beloved aunt, as she was extolling the virtues, ad nauseam of the family’s prized Academy Award winner, that I was getting tired of hearing about it. She retorted, as if her view was the only possible common sense way to think –

If you were making the money,  ….(anonymous) is making we’d be talking about you too!

So much for my being in a family of balanced values! 

Oh, well, by that time I ‘d gotten used to my family’s ways. Rather than being devastated by such a comment as I might have been at an earlier age, I simply shook my head in wonderment -- and -- went on my way, once again, trying to find my own set of values to live by.

I believe I have done a good job with this endeavor; defining myself, yet still being devoted to the love of my family.  With my set of principles, I authored New Horizons Possible Human, Possible Society Study, interviewing countless individuals (2011 – 2016) in search of what our collective views might show New Horizons and myself about where we might best head in future days.  This, of course, was begun in Obama’s first term as president when progress, on a national legislative level, already seemed dicey. 

(I will be writing more on the study in days to come, along with updated reflections my board and myself are taking from it though our data collecting is still incomplete.)

Today, however, my mind is more focused on sorting out what handling myself as a winner in these troubling times means for establishing my new priorities; at this time when the political has become so very personal.

The emerging professional role I discovered for myself, as I recovered from blindness and returned to mainstream life, beginning in 2006, put me in a position to take what I had learned as a psychological-sociological researcher to evolve into becoming a "psychotherapist, turned violence prevention and community development consultant and trainer." These days, however, New Horizons and I find this area of application for our collective expertise to be a depressed one.  In other words, we are almost out of work, temporarily.

Overcoming polarization and making violence obsolete are not particularly, popular endeavors right now. Instead, thanks, primarily to Donald Trump, the general public, which is our market, is immersed in a level of polarization that has little end in sight, at this time. As for making violence obsolete, do the math. Polarization might as well be bed partners with violence, especially in the era of Trump and his ceaseless provocations.

Thus, there is little room, these days, under the Trump Administration, to put New Horizons’ talents and expertise into action, except on a limited basis. 

Oh, that I might have the talent of a comedian days!

Side by side with the true reality we are facing, however, is the fact that the study of society and politics, with an emphasis on the dark side of the latter, politics, with Watergate as my base,  has ended up shaping who and what I have become, at least professionally. Herein, may lie my salvation, we think. Few people, anywhere, know more than I, systematically, how to transform the dark side of society and politics – and – have a track record doing that, albeit only within select places that might aspire to build small “zones of peace.”

Still that is something!

As Mahatma Gandhi said, regarding world peace,

We must begin by creating territorities or zones of peace where violence and deceit won’t be used.

Of course, that brings me back to my original theme here, how to be “Winners…  In The Time Of Trump.” Not a thriving enterprise for this current time and place within which we find ourselves, presently. Right now, survival of the fittest may be all we can hope for.

What to do with this bounty of mine in this time of chaos has, consequently, prompted the need for a clarification on where I, personally and professionally, stand so that my views do not tarnish the mission of New Horizons, which is, above and beyond all, unity; 

Winning for many years, now, since my return to work in 2006, has meant  succeeding at building small “zones of peace,” in various communities, faith based, civic and so forth.  At this time, however, we have seemingly a limited range of viable target groups for this activity. Among our hoped for plans; Coffee House Conversations for seniors, a group far less likely, at this time, to be politically polarized, is leading us to negotiate a series for a chain of seniors communities and involve ourselves in another project that is very mental health oriented; an area I have been rather separate from, since 1998 when I lost my eyesight.

In the midst of this, I come back to my main point for this article and its relevance for me; “Winners And Losers In The Time Of Trump.” 

Taking up the notion of physician heal thyself,” I decided, this morning as I began my day, to take just one item, for myself, on the list of winner characteristics, as posted in my recent “dark side” site: The idea of “Winner Survivors” confronting and dealing with reality, as one of their main defining characteristics.

See the updated version
of this chart here.

Certainly I am all about surviving – and – doing that as a winner is always my aim.

So, I am asking myself, today, “If I am to live my life as a winner in this time of Trump and Team, what does that look like, on a daily basis, especially when my “job description” as a violence prevention and community development trainer and consultant” is now to be relatively inactive?”

Obviously, my new “job description” includes writing, as one of its primary responsibilities. However, presently, this activity is pretty much unpaid. 

What to do? What to do, if winning is built into my nature?

Donald Trump promised more jobs and more money for his constituents. What does it mean, then, that I have all but lost mine?

There is one thing I know for sure, in the midst of chaos. 

If success and winning are values I hold to be dear, but done in a certain way that is all about character development, first and foremost, which they are, I now have plenty of opportunity to “face and deal with reality” in a manner that can attract my own, personal respect, if not anyone else’s. 

Let’s talk about “facing and dealing with reality” in turbulent times.  I have lots of stories to draw strength from already. Being blind and recovering from that ordeal is at the top my list.

How about you and your stories?

How are the challenges of Trump and Team affecting you, at this time? How is your resilience holding up?

Have you found your personal path to being a winner in these troublesome times?  If so, how did you manage this?

Let’s talk about these items, if you are up the conversation. The topic might be the start of my next online radio show on Anastasia The Storyteller.

I believe, that the conversation of “Winners And Losers In The Time Of Trump” is a topic about to unfold, here, at least for a time, until something else moves into the fore. 

I sure wish that "something" would come, soon, like a week at the beach, for starters.

I could sure use a vacation!

I Signed A Mental Health Group Petition Declaring Donald Trump Unfit For Office

Today I am remembering some of the days of my life following my mother’s mental breakdown, after my little sister died. I was almost eight and had never known adversity at that age. I was very fortunate I realize now. I had had an almost idyllic childhood, embraced as an adored little princess in a huge extended family of loving grown-ups, nested, too, in the midst of a tight-knit Jewish community. My father, a young businessman was recognized as an up and coming leader of that community and the greater, civic community as well. 

Then all was dark and threatening; my mother’s mental illness looming over everything in my young life. The almost daily threats replaced what once had been, after she had thrown my father out of our luxurious home he had so prided himself on purchasing. 

From that time on, my mother’s beatings and ceaseless ravings that I should have died instead of my sister because…….; the reasons being numerous, became my daily bill of fare. My main fault being that I was alive and baby Sharon Iris was not, second that I was somehow “Just like your father.”

I have, long ago, with the help of psychotherapy, the sheer grit of determination and a devoted father who stayed as close to me as he could, overcome most of the debilitation these years of my childhood brought me.

But this morning I woke up feeling myself in the pit of despair like those years had held me in. Gone was my mentally ill mother. Gone were the years during which I had fought off almost daily bouts of feeling as if I wanted to die though my days might have been filled with almost undreamt of successes. So from where had this bout of fear come?

Trying to reach my mind beyond the darkness, seeking its promptings, my consciousness landed on a single source; Donald Trump as president of the United States of America!

Waking up to another day with Donald Trump in the White House sometimes feels like my mentally ill mother in charge of my little girl life; ceaseless chaos, lies and distortions of reality, fear for those less powerful (mainly me back in the days under rule of my mother.) Finding a way through the darkness to the Light sometimes feels daunting and exhausting these days. 

The single thing that makes it a whole lot easier, however, is that I know this time I am not alone in the craziness, as I was as an only child during my mother’s siege, holding me captive in her war with my father. 

There are almost endless checks and balances in our great country and the Constitution of our Founding Fathers. There were none of these for me when my mother held the reigns over my young life.

Last night I signed a petition asserting that “Donald Trump is mentally ill and must be removed.” The petition, originated with a psychologist, John Gartner Phd., who has been willing to break the Goldwater Rule and ask other professionals to join him. The rule states that mental health professionals cannot offer open assessments of the mental health of public figures. 

These professionals, of which I am now one, are willing to be rule breakers in the service of protecting our country. I totally agree! We, as mental health professionals, must take action and speak out that Donald Trump is dangerous, by virtue of being mentally unhinged; our collective professional opinion.

I am so grateful to not be alone in coping with craziness. And, so grateful to be a mental health professional, myself, with all the training and skills I have accrued, also applied to myself, and to know that I have a wonderful grounding in truth and reality that can help me through dark times such as these.  

How I wish such a petition could have protected my young life. But better late than never to make this world a better place.  Like Anne Frank said – 

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.

Today I Am Celebrating The Person Most Responsible For ….

Me growing into “ME” just as I am!

Join Jack Slattery and myself this evening on our Possible Society In Motion Radio Show as we focus on the topic of “Leadership Role Models…” and “… A Personal Story” -- about the man who shaped me into the person I have become, especially "The Lean In Legacy Template" way, not always perfect but a good enough "legacy" anyway!

My father would have been one hundred and three yesterday. I miss him sorely but I am so grateful to have been his daughter. Hear my story. Then join Jack and I with some stories of your own on – 

Leadership Role Models – A Personal Story

Thursday, March 31

6:30 p.m.

Followed by --

Living In The Light, Kissed By An Angel

I think I must be far away from knowing this new me I am becoming. But as amazing as it felt this morning for me to awaken feeling bathed in, of all things, Light – this morning there it was!

I even felt myself embraced by an Angel that seemed, without doubt, to be my “Mom” (i.e. stepmother) who has been deceased for a few years now.

As I do not even believe in angels this was truly astounding!

At the same time I also felt myself awakening, filled somewhat with concerns about my next right steps for today and the weeks and months ahead.

Last year’s New Horizons’ Coffee House Conversations Project events, nine in all, was overall a gorgeous, gratifying, uplifting experience, over all. But only a first step on a path laden with challenges, fraught with obstacles, if a true exceptional community in our local, somewhat ordinary yet beyond ordinary community is an objective for New Horizons which, indeed, it is.

What to do next? What to do?

Not knowing, I decided to just be quiet a bit longer this morning and listen and see if my Angel would show up again for me today.

I’m still waiting but the door is open.  The mind is indeed capable of magic!

My Could, Would and Should -- Speaking Tangle

Maybe you will relate to this that I am offering at this juncture, maybe not. But here goes anyway though it feels really risky!

Author's note: After a rather sleepless night I decided this morning to take this article down, at least temporarily. It occured to me that in offering the following reflections I was, perhaps, inviting the general public into my private world to an extent that might harm me. 

However, after pulling the article back out into draft form I discovered that one of my loyal readers had been signfiicantly impacted by what I had written, leaving me a thoughtful and supportive comment. When I read the comment I realized that my main objective in writing this blog had been achieved in this instance. This site has always been about expressing myself to whomever, often as a storyteller, as my small contribution to helping make a better world.

Thus the reader's comment reminded me of words derrived from the Talmud, "To redeem one life is to redeem the world." With that in mind I am, once again, sharing the following reflections with the hope that my "risky behavior" here might just make a difference to someone else, somewhere.  If it does it would be lovely to know that.

P.S. If you have any doubts about the legitimacy of this post and its relevance to our chaotic world, I encourage you to view the movie of "Tommy, The Rock Opera" for a jolt related to how I "see" the subject matter below.

It was just this past week; barely three weeks after my seventh cornea transplant when it hit me like a lightning bolt striking a darkened room, that for most of the years of my dealing with the challenges of my eye disease, keratoconus, I have been overlooking the fact that I have actually been managing two overlapping eye problems, not just one!

Then it struck me even more pointedly that hysterical blindness might have actually always been the precipitating one behind the other, keratoconus. Having now considered this notion as a valid possibility, I find myself facing the age-old question of which came first; chicken or egg?

A question I will no more be able to definitively answer correctly than the egg-chicken query.  Thus I am stuck with making up my own mind on the subject, on my own, based almost solely on my estimations.

What to do? What to do, especially in terms of making this issue relevant to me now, at this stage of my game?

Nonetheless, as I prefer relative certainty rather than complete indecision in charting a path for myself, I decided to create a working hypothesis as I had been taught as a psychotherapy student for my “treatment plan” (me client, me healer) and see where it will take me.

(Fortunately, two people of significance have come onto my daily landscape to “be in this adventure with me.” They will be a great help in assisting me in clarifying my theory, the one I have elected to consider as the true source of my eye problems. Thank G-d for fellow travelers.)

Here is the theory I have chosen as the “one” for now. --

I was born with a biological predisposition for keratoconus (i.e. hereditary/genetic), set in motion and heightened, from day one of my life, by my emotional, psychological, spiritual sensitivity to certain, very specific stimuli. (More details on this later when I can get my words and thoughts together to share.)

Does this mean that a predilection always existed in me for developing keratoconus, based on factors other than biology, that might even be traceable back to past lives should they, in fact, exist in reality?

Today I am certainly willing to consider this. I have to be honest with you! All possibilities are being examined.  My well-being warrants the effort!

Oiy veh!

But how can I ever know the truth for certain? And what difference does it make anyway to ponder that which is unlikely to ever have proof? Certainly my doctor at Johns Hopkins will is likely to dismiss my "theory."So now what?

With my personal imperatives in mind, however, I have decided to move forth from here, at least for a time, acting “as if” I had answers. 

From this vantage point I intend to alter certain life perspectives that I have allowed myself to hold as truths since my initial keratoconus diagnosis as a junior in college, and will operate under the assumption that what has been showing up physically has to have had its roots in my emotions, psychology and spirituality, not the other way around.

Over are the days of my viewing keratoconus as hanging over my head like a rain cloud  completely as a medical problem. Now I will proceed as if my emotions, psychology, and spirituality hold the reins to my physicality and its healing. But what difference will that make?

And why hadn’t I considered this earlier? Why and how did I not allow the serious taking of this issue into account and instead ignored it when I might have known better, especially with my psychology background being as extensive as it is? 

Certainly the idea was important enough for reflection much earlier.

I have had so much evidence to support what I am now only newly embracing; a lifetime of clues minimized, it seems. What if this "theory" as truth has been there all along with me overlooking the obvious?  Would it have made a difference somehow in how I have managed my life?

What will my new approach reveal? I am opening my mind, my heart and, of course, my eyes to seeing what will be unearthed from the depths of my psyche on this issue.

Here is my first discovery!

I may have always, even back centuries (Could it be? Could it be?) not been unable to see what I see but became so threatened by trusting what my eyes and my higher vision have shown me that my inner turmoil was about speaking, especially truth to power. Thus, in effect, I muzzled myself, passively creating a non-reality for myself based on ...what?

Should I have, could I have, would I have, risked, up against the threat of grave dangers, sharing that which I perceived from a limited view of the world? When I knew that others might, potentially, react against my view; enough so that my spoken words might endanger my safety?  

Was blinding myself, thus a safer option? An option I hid my authentic self behind? And all I could muster to see me through the peril I anticipated? (Such as a witch being burned at a stake might do?)

I am going to pursue my investigation of this idea as I strengthen, day-by-day, my intentions, backed up by new actions to speak truth to power everywhere I deem it necessary and/or appropriate; albeit in a timely fashion and diplomatically to the best of my ability.

Perhaps now is the hour for all lies, denial and discounting; the three prongs of human functioning that foster non-reality thinking and behaving in this world, to pass away, not only mine but from each and everyone of us. As a friend remarked, not long ago, the worldwide web has brought us to a place where lying and deceit can no longer hide.

If so, maybe there was no earlier time for my liberation until now. It was what it was but it doesn’t need to continue!

So – my immediate task will be to keep examining, on a regular basis, the “could, the “would” and the “should” of my saying what I see. But it sure feels scary to me – along with the new found freedom I am already experiencing – and – some unexpected fun!

I’ll let you know how it goes with hopes you, too, are getting better and better at speaking truth to power in health-affirming ways. We can learn together.

Speaking Truth To Power – And – The Healing of That Which Afflicts My Eyesight

As I began to take my first steps toward my hoped for full recovery from the blindness of my right eye, I began, simultaneously, a one year journey of conscious healing. During this period I would allow myself to refine and direct my already well-defined practices of meditation, contemplation and reflection. What I would add to these would be an enhanced, consistent mindfulness regarding certain key issues; my emotions, psychological patterns and spirituality, that I hold to be critically interwoven with my physical well-being.

I have kertaconus, an apparent hereditary-based eye disease that causes a diseased cornea to develop into a cone shape rather than retaining its normal, healthy curve. I also have had numerous, intermittent episodes of hysterical blindness, also known as conversion episodes, a certain type of stress reaction followed by severe attacks of diminished eye sight. 

To date I can identify about a dozen or more of these episodes over my lifetime; each one following a particular pattern. Some of these have been documented at Johns Hopkins world-renowned Wilmer Eye Institute, dating back as far as 1978. The episodes are, each one, in and of itself, uniquely worthy of in-depth discussion, but I will reserve that for a later time, if appropriate.

I know that my recent experience on the operating table, undergoing my seventh cornea transplant, merits my wholly embracing the physical healing I am presently undergoing. I also have come to realize that this event, wherein the cornea of a newly deceased person is now alive and well in my body, is also truly deserving of my paying attention to the accompanying emotional, psychological and spiritual healing I am now going through, accompanying the physical.

I have been living with threatened blindness from keratoconus since I was a junior in college. My eye problems have been routinely and effectively managed since by top ophthalmologists.  I, also, since I was eight years old, been living under mortal threat, if I dared to “see” what my mentally ill mother did not want me to see.  Initially the threat was inflicted on me in real time. Eventually I continued to be defenseless to that which was still embedded in my psyche; images and feelings, that could, when triggered, derail my best attempts to bypass them.

The challenge to surmounting these terrorizations has often been truly death-defying.  And, as it has turned out, over time, I became the only known “expert” I could find to address this aspect of my vision problems. Being a trained psychotherapist, I think I have done an admirable job of being both patient and healer for this aspect of my eyesight afflictions.  Now I am ready for the “advanced” course of this healing. Thus in the year ahead, as I heal, body-mind and spirit, from a lifetime of threats to my eyesight as well as my life and my VISION  I am going to be even more proactive on this issue than ever before.

Alberto Valvo, a noted opthomologist, in his book, "Sight restoration after long-term blindness: the problems and behavior patterns of visual rehabilitation," quotes, as follows, from a (rarely) recovering blind patient --  

"One must die as a sighted person to be bom again as a blind person."

Prominent neurologist, Oliver Sacks, draws on this statement in his article, "TO SEE AND NOT SEE" expanding upon the original comment with his own version -- 

“...and the opposite is equally true: one must die as a blind person to be born again as a seeing person.”

I have encountered both of these transitions in my lifetime; dying as a sighted person to be born again as one who is blind and that of dying as a blind person to be born again as one who is sighted. Of the two, it is the latter; dying as a blind person and being born again as one who sees, that I have found the more difficult.

With that in mind, as I now proceed on my healing journey, with “a wonderful new cornea,” as my ophthalmologist, Dr. John Gottsch, told me repeatedly before, during and after my recent surgery – I am now intent on completing the latter transition, moving from non-seeing identity to being a fully seeing person to the best of my ability, with an expanded agenda.

Speaking truth to power, increasingly, is going to be a key part my healing journey. This, as it turns out, is one of the most restorative paths I could take; abuse of the power over me as a small child by my mother brought on my hysterical blindness, I feel certain. I was instructed “not to see” what I see. Today I choose to see everything I can!  And, I will choose to speak more and more of what I "SEE" (as nicely as I can). But speak I will!

Taking back my full, G-d given powers will be my release, I believe.  

I am hoping you will also join me in this health giving undertaking upon which I am now embarking, as I know, even if you cannot yet “see” it, that none of us humans fully escapes “not seeing” sometimes. We all have blind spots. And we very much need one another to help us through the Darkness to find the brightest Light.

So please come along with me on an adventure to “awe” that only truth, yours, mine and ours, collectively, can produce.  If nothing else, we can all use a good dose of practicing speaking truth to power. And listening to it, sometimes, to help adjust ourselves on occasion.

With gratitude, 

Anastasia

Bill Cosby Takes The Cake!

Having been severely traumatized by the sexual abuse of my first husband; a sordid experience  still remaining, to this day, bizarrely unsettled, I have followed the Bill Cosby sex scandal closely.

I take heart at the unrelenting courage of the women who have come forth to confront this serial rapist who hides behind his money, power, gender and status in an attempt to make fools of them.

Carefully and generally quietly,  I watch – and – I wait,  wishing and hoping.

Maybe – someday – it will be my turn to make public what has so long been hidden and secret; the cover ups and lies enforced by threats of punishment of which I have already had far more than my fair share.

But today I must speak out just a bit; Mr. Cosby purports to give failing eye sight, including the very same eye disease, keratoconus, I have for his felonious behavior!

Come on now, Bill Cosby (and Camille, your enabler), you take the cake for BLINDNESS of a more devious nature;  out and out lies, twisting reality to suit your guile, making small what must truly be BIG here, the damage you have inflicted on untold others!

Keratoconus is a disease of the cornea. You have a disease of the soul!

What Is Hysterical Blindness? And Is The U.S.A Suffering From It?

Part II: Is Seeing Or Not Solely A Medical Question?

Hysterical blindness, in the annals of psychology is also catagorized as a type of conversion reaction or disorder, meaning that symptoms displayed of a neurological dysfunction, such as blindness,  are not consistent with any organic cause. In particular, it is thought that these symptoms arise in response to stressful situations affecting an individual’s mental health. 

The term "conversion" has its origins in Freud's doctrine that anxiety, fear or traumatic episodes can be "converted" into physical symptoms. Though hysterical reactions have previously been thought to have vanished from the west in the 20th century, some research has suggested they are as common as ever. 

What has changed, however, is the name change; hysteria to conversion reaction or disorder. And, the shift from this problem, somehow, being endemic to women only as indicative of our inferiorities.

Personally, I can attest to the presence of fear, trauma and stress being converted into blindness. I have lived with this circumstance, episodes diagnosed as hysterical blindness, since the onset of an initial trauma when I was eight years old.  

But more about my story another time. Here I am most interested in creating a conversation about the parallels between physical blindness, particularly of a hysterical nature, and the discounting, denial and lying that is rampant throughout our society; a situation I consider to be akin to hysterical blindness throughout the masses of our society.

(I will also take up these three prongs, discounting, denial and lying, as the means of avoiding true reality and clarity at another time.)

(Yet, it strikes me as so incredibly beautiful that movements like the Black Lives Matter effort are actively fighting these systematic dismissals of reality daily with their protests. Bravo! Let their efforts of speaking truth to power make a difference; a big one and soon.)

The following excerpt picked up from another blog site that is no longer active illustrates some of what I wish to illuminate on the subject at hand here. I found myself rather amused at this anecdote, recounted by Dr. Sanity, a Board Certified Psychiatrist, from the case history of a patient. 

The anecdote makes one of the many points I wish to address regarding our politics and their relation to hysterical blindness.  As this piece was written in 2005, I see much about it that relates to politicians in general, not just Democrats or Republicans.  I offer it here in the service of creating the conversations I wish to encourage about hysterical blindness being very much alive – and – viral in our United States politics and society at this point in time.

By Dr. Sanity, regarding a patient diagnosed as suffering from hysterical blindness (i.e. a conversion episode).

Barbara, I submit to you, is a perfect metaphor for the Democratic Party of the 21st Century. Like Barbara, they have had a rude psychological shock, stumbled, and become blind to the serious events happening in the world around them. They feel they have been deceived and lied to --betrayed even--and have chosen to direct their rage against President Bush, the symbol of all the evil in the world. By doing so, they don't have to focus on the real evil --the horrific attacks of 9/11. They appear to be sublimely indifferent to the reality around them and choose to focus on events and incidents that are trivial in comparison. Like Barbara, their world is falling apart, but all they can do is close their eyes to it and focus ("displace") their anger onto a convenient target whose election was a blow to their narcissism.  

(In treatment} …Barbara slowly became well again. In psychotherapy, we focused on trying to get her to "see" what she really couldn't bear to face--…. she had to develop the necessary maturity to cope with the new reality of her world--to "see" it for what it was. And somewhere along that difficult psychological path, her vision returned.

I sincerely hope that the Democrats are able to negotiate that same path. 

What do you think of my premise (which I will steadfastly stand by regardless) that the dysfunction of our country is, in part, symptomatic of a hysterical blindness?

At least consider my logic and engage with me in dialogue on this critical issue.

Thanks,

From Anastasia, healing well from eye surgery so far.