Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Reflections From A Former Anti-Semitic, Recovering Jewish American Princess

On The Eve of Rosh Hoshana

I look at my words; the vow I made to myself -- “that when the time came for me to publish this story that I would tell my story with love and compassion.”

Yet I am caught in a trap of my own making.

(That is why I could not write these past weeks; "writers block." "It's always something," my Jewish mother would say. )

I do have forgiveness, love and compassion, for the actors (and actresses) – but I am still angry at the “actions.”

What am I to do? I am mad!

And, it feels good, clean, healthy, like the fire of cleansing and healing!

(I don't want to give it up. It is the fire of my truth. The energy of my belief in social justice. The flame in me that burns for tikkun olam -- "world repair.")

The “NYC Mosque Controversy” pushes the issue for me.

It is time for me to focus on publishing my manuscript in progress, “The Middle East Crisis In My Backyard.”

I need an agent. This is too much for me on my own.

It is time for me to tell the story out in the world!

In the service of doing what is mine to do.

But I don’t want to make waves.

(Maybe I can't have it both ways. Maybe I have to choose.)

So what is “the next right thing for me to do? "

There is so much that is mine to do - the new book in progress as well as the Small “Zones Of Peace” Conversations Project.

  • Mine – the psychotherapist turned community development coach and consultant.
  • Mine – the former local president of the national Jewish women’s social action organization – now a local, Jewish pariah.
  • Mine -- the former anti-Semitic American Jewess returned to my tribe in new form.
Dayenu – Is it enough that I begin?

This is my repentance for the Ten Days Of Awe, the Ten Days of Repentance, my heritage as a Jew – to wipe the slate clean and begin anew.

But how?

How do I move through the pockets where I am angry at the actions, yet in forgiveness of the actors and actresses?

I am pledged to do my best.

Though I am uncertain how to proceed.

Of one thing I am confident, it is so good to know who I am and stand in my truth for it.

Another of my 1,000 masks comes off, I think?

A bit scarey. A bit liberating.


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