Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Ethics Complaint Update: Feeling Refreshed. “Formal’ Ethics Complaint Submitted, Sunday, May 13 (Mother’s Day)
Monday, May 14
On this first day of the rest of my life, I feel cleansed and unburdened.
So much so that though I have never before in my entire life, even coming from an Observant Jewish family, ever thought for one moment that I might wish to partake of the Jewish women’s ritual bath known as the mikveh, today I long for it.
The mikveh is a bath used for the purpose of water immersion in Judaism to achieve ritual purity.
Traditionally, Jewish women visit the mikveh after menstruation or childbirth, before they and their husbands may resume marital relations. The practice applies also to brides about to be wed; an archaic and absurd tradition, I have always thought; the practice so repugnant that I would immediately re-rout even a hint of a discussion of it for me, by my elders.
But today I crave the purifying waters of this immersion; this washing away of the impurities cast upon me by my sexual harasser/power abuser, the subject of my formal Ethics Complaint.
It was a laborious, often disappointing and, at times, heart-wrenching task to prepare all that was required of my submission. I dare not say much, if anything, about the content of it, actually almost nothing at all, until I am advised that I might. And, then, perhaps, what I might be able to say could still be restricted. I must wait patiently to see.
It will be a while before I am to be notified of what will be required of me next by the Ethics Committee which I must abide by, to the letter, if my charge is to be valid. An outside maximum of six weeks for the initial response, I’ve been told.
Thank Gods and Goddesses I am not a young adolescent like the gymnast victims of Larry Nassar or the victim of a recent rape or other, more violent, sexual intrusion, going through this process.
And, the fact that the incidents I am reporting are decades old helps, too, to dilute my distress.
Nonetheless, it hurts to see the damage that a careless, selfish, self-centered, ego-driven man inflicted on me, especially a man I trusted and respected.
The sum of these inflictions and their injuries to me are the impurities I want now to wash away.
And, the shadow of my own damaging of self, I wish now to wash away too. Whatever it was in me that allowed me to hold back secrets for twenty-five years that I did not even know I had.
This is my Dark Side, as I tell of it repeatedly on my Exploring Your Dark Side blog site.
These were my contributions to the sustaining of that which was sordid; mainly the "not telling" that I did.
And with this go all the many costs of the quiet I maintained; the self-imposed, self-inflicted harm that lacked the sense, possibly the esteem and certainly the fearlessness and confidence to speak truth to power rather than allowing myself to just keep marching on in my life, carrying the burden of another’s wrongdoings, rather than “manning up,” oops, do I mean “goddessing up” to the truth I so frequently extol as among the highest of virtues.
This holding back of truths that will displease, fearful and timid, is so much a part of me. I am examining it with a careful eye, once again, having done so numerous times in the past, knowing it to be one of my personal failings.
Yet with compassion for myself, I see it, once again, as a way of being I learned as a child, victimized by the emotional torture of a mentally ill mother, fortified by a sexually abusive husband who robbed me of my innocence and much more.
If one was not enough, the combination of the two, once they joined forces against me, frightened and intimidated me into a submission that has taken great effort to overturn, working diligently on it for most of my adult life, as I have. And, obviously, as this Ethics Complaint submission shows, still remnants of the pattern appear now and again.
Successfully forcing me to keep secret the darkness he brought into my life, just as I believed I was crossing into the Light on my wedding night, the night I thought I had officially freed myself from her, the power over me these two held between them seems destined to fade slowly, if ever completely
Instead of her, on that blessed night of my wedding, I got him, my next jailer and torturer.
I've been free from most of what these two did to harm me and devastate essential parts of my life for decades. But today I am freer still and lighter and airier at a new and higher level, liberated from the burden of carrying secrets I did not even know I was holding.
So light and free. Each step an exploration.
As if just learning to walk. And walk I did this morning, as the air was still crisp and cool, almost tripping over a box turtle in the middle of the road who I immediately steered onto the safety of the soil bank at the road’s edge.
This turtle reminded me, as I quickly checked my handy smart phone, at the ready, that Native American lore would have us consider that --
The turtle acts as a teacher for the art of grounding. She helps us focus on our thoughts and actions and to slow to a pace that assures completion of what lays before us. We learn to not “push the river,” especially at times where resolution or completion doesn’t happen too soon.
I am grateful that turtle came to me today to remind me how best to move forward as the “maximum six weeks” ahead looms before me, for hearing back from the Ethics Committee.
Turtle’s pace setting, as a prompter, also, can help me clear away the impurities this ethics issue represents, as both mikveh and turtle guide me in the direction of the kind of life I choose and manage for myself, typically, and that I must now be more cognizant of than before to always maintain awareness that sometimes people can enter one’s personal space with less than high-minded intentions.
Thus I am the one, who must be aware, on my behalf, that both Light and Dark can exist, sometimes, side-by-side, in the same person. And, I am the one who must always be the maintainer of peace and Light for all areas of my life, if these are the values by which I want to live.
Monday, May 14, 2018
Yup! I did it!
Finished writing up that "formal" Ethics Complaint of mine -- and-- yesterday, at last, I submitted it!
What a Mother’s Day gift to myself that was, added to the flowers I received and loved ones to celebrate the day.
In return, easing my way into the “formal” process, at last, I was able to make contact with one, really kind, caring and compassionate Ethics Co-chair who will be helping to manage my complaint.
Long time coming!
Already I feel assured that with this woman, actively involved in my process, I can expect to be treated with caring, compassion and respect, a stipulation of my participation
I am on my way, after five long, arduous months of researching, writing, documenting and other aspects of preparing.
This morning I received another email from that Co-Chair apprising me that it would take a “maximum of six weeks” for the committees first response.
With only a few more items of supporting documents to send off from my end, what do “I see” for my next six weeks ahead?
A bit of discovering what it feels like and acts like to have let go of the long-held burden of holding secrets I did not even realize I had, for starters!
Who knows how high I can fly, breaking through another glass ceiling layer I didn't even see!
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Yesterday was a banner day for me; a real high mark. Not exactly what I would call a celebratory day but a time of recognizing my liberation.
Oh, the exhilaration of seeing one’s life from a height, rather than low!
A bit like the Jews leaving Egypt; freedom from bondage., yet with another forty years ahead of wandering in the desert before one actually can reach the Promised Land.
But not exactly like that either, as I don’t expect it to take me another forty years from now to find my way to My Jerusalem.
So what was it about yesterday that was so momentous?
Looking back on it, I don’t really know.
I’m not sure I can describe the significance, right now, today, as I sit here writing at my computer, certain, on one hand however, that my expression of words sent out beyond my former habitual way of keeping most things to myself, now exchanged for an outward thrust of expression, is a significant part of what made yesterday a banner day.
Might that be the center of it? My simply coming out from being the hermit I have generally been, at least beginning with my losing my eyesight and being blind for eight years (1998 – 2006).
A piece of the puzzle about the banner day of yesterday, likely, has to do with my taking my self-expression, as indicated by my blog article postings, to a next higher level than usual, by asking a few select friends that I trust to love and care about me, to “please pay attention” to what I had just posted online.
That single request -- “please pay attention” (to me) is, possibly, what set the day apart.
There I was; the one who had many times paid the “cost of the quiet,” almost to the extreme as had L. Wren Scott, down to my near demise, choosing to put the whole of me out, front and center.
Not just the looking good, as in my “Hot Pants, Motorcycles and K Street” days but who I am, all the way down deep.
I had written the following to one person, copied to a choice handful of others.
I am sending this missive to you because of our close relationship of many years.
The letter that follows is posted to my blog site. Here is the actual link.
However, I am sending this to you, personally, in this email, as I want you to know that your being aware of what is now transpiring for me, means a great deal.
Your support is priceless. If you have none to give in terms of checking in with me, to talk, as this saga unfolds, please at least hold me in your heart and mind with love and prayers for a glorious, hoped for outcome.
Have a nice day.
See you soon.
Your friend Anastasia
My important letter --The Revealing Of SecretsThis effort of mine, along with a few phone calls and texts I sent out, has netted me an expanded network of supporters tenfold, meaning that last week I had about two or three people knowing details about my ethics complaint plus a few more. Today, I already at twenty plus!
Not a crowd but enough to spread out to potential supporters for the various personal needs I might come up with, from time to time, as I carry my Ethics Complaint process forward for the touchdown for which I am taking aim.
Still I am at a loss to explain, even to myself, of the “why” yesterday seems almost historic to me.
Perhaps the reason is primarily about “liberation,” the liberation of revealing secrets, long-held.
After all, I had just spent the weekend in a most significant way, as I indicated yesterday. The tale of those few days, as I spent them with Abuser #1 was almost beyond imagining.
And, the importance of those days, incorporated into the whole of my Ethics Complaint process, unfolding, will forever stand out for me as truly amazing!
Of course, I am planning to tell you, my readers and supporters, about these aspects when the time comes. But not just yet!
All of it will make for good storytelling, in due time -- and many teachable lessons.
But today, what might be most noteworthy is the combination of relief and trepidation I feel at putting so much of me out front. Thus I am reminded of a little book I read long ago titled “Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?"
From that little tome, the words that stand out most for me, in answer to the posed question of the title, go something like –
“If I tell you who I am, and you don’t like it, that’s all I have."
So maybe the courage to come forth for women like myself in this era of #Metoo includes not only the revealing of dark secrets, long-held, and what all of that, in and of itself, can mean, but also in the telling there may be backlash, as the hearers of one’s tales have their reactions to what they are being told.
Storytelling is not always easy, I conclude. But then again, maybe “story listening” isn’t always so easy either.
And, like the Jews in their exodus from Egypt, even traveling with others, as are many women today in their #Metoo speaking out, the trek across the desert of unknown miles is not an easy one, in spite of the hoped for destination that lies ahead.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Dear Readers and Supporters,
This will be a critically important update on the unfolding saga of my Ethics Complaint, if you are interested in it -- and -- what you might learn from it, personally, about managing the many dilemmas of the #Metoo Movement.
|A Tale Of Two |
Sexual Abusers/HarassersIn that piece, I went on to state –
The reason this is a significant piece of the unfolding has to do with the elements now, actively, in motion.
Some of the components have to do with my now, not only having completed writing up the basic documentation for the complaint, a timeline of events, readying it for submission sometime next week, but also I am in the process of taking my final steps of the preparation, writing an important cover letter and gathering my supporting documents.
These measures, prompted my immersion in several unusual events this past weekend:
- I was celebrating my twenty-second wedding anniversary with the man I wrote of earlier in my article, “A Tale Of Two Sexual Harassers/Abusers,” that I will call “Abuser #1” and;
- I was for the first time, telling "Abuser #1" my story, in detail about “#Abuser #2,” the one who is the object of my Ethics Complaint.
In that piece, “A Tale Of Two Sexual Harassers/Abusers," I stated that --
“Twenty-five years ago I was being abused and harassed in sexually-related situations by two men, concurrently.”And –
“In 1996 I married one of these men! I am with him still today, more or less.
And, now, I have a professional ethics complaint pending, regarding the other.”I then posed this question –
“How could that possibly come about?,”-- suggesting that I would share the story at a forthcoming Beyond Gender Tyranny forum (which did not, as it turns out, come off for reasons, having much to say on the subject of "No, Not Me" The #Metoo Movement And The Issue Of Male Resistance”.
In that February article I added –
“My story has much to teach about the “what to do” and the “what not to do” in gender relationships!"From that point on (the article was posted on February 9, 2018, almost three months ago), I went through the aggravating, seemingly almost inhumane process the Ethics Committee of the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) insisted upon in order for me to file my complaint.
(As it has turned out, I have benefited immensely from following the rules of the ITAA Ethics Committee. Nonetheless, their process, as I have experienced it, to date, still remains inhumane, in my book!)
You may also recall that on April 17 I announced, on this site, that I had completed the documentation for the complaint.
What have I done since then about the complaint?
Well, as is my way, I next sought to have what I had written reviewed by a few of my closest associates; namely New Horizons Board Member, Small “Zones of Peace” Project program collaborator and Spirit Sister, Sue deVeer, and secondly that same man, #Abuser #1, who had sexually abused me, concurrently with the subject of my Ethics Complaint, and that I had married and am still with today, more or less.
You will understand the “more or less” when I finally reveal the mystery about him which is now, based on the events of the past weekend, about to be unveiled!
And – it is BIG!
Suffice it to say that, as I now make my way through the twists and turns of the final steps of preparation needed in order to submit my completed Ethics Complaint, as dictated by the ITAA Ethics Committee, all kinds of secrets and obscured events are coming to the surface, bringing me to realize that the ones about “Abuser #1” can no longer be dodged. Nor should they be as there will be merit of significance once they are aired.
So if you are at all interested in this saga of mine, keep reading my “tell all” that is on its way.
It will be a whopper when, finally, I open the floodgates to my untold stories!
Most importantly these stories, in their completion, will have so much to teach, by way of modeling that which I suggested at an earlier time –
“My story has much to teach about the “what to do” and the “what not to do” in gender relationships in the era of #Metoo!
To get a taste of what is forthcoming, listen to the podcast of my recent Anastasia The Storyteller Radio, titled --
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
I had an amazing experience last Saturday “trying” to do my Anastasia The Storyteller Radio show titled, Women Managing Their Anger, Pain (And Fear) In The Face Of Male Resistance.
I can't even describe the situation yet, in anyway that would not: 1. Exhaust me in the telling; and 2. Summarize the chaos that occurred, without boring you with too many details.
At best it was a complete comedy of mishaps. The experience was so stressful I have not recovered enough to be able to truly see the humor.
Nonetheless, I strongly recommend that you listen to that show, all the way to end, especially, if you are at all interested in my pending Ethics Complaint, a little curious about not only that one situation for me of male sexual harassment and power-over abuse, but also the story of the man I married, with a happy outcome of another sexual abuse, power-over circumstance.
(For stories on the unfolding drama of my Ethics Complaint, click here. Ethics Complaint stories are interspersed with others on the topic of Beyond Gender Tyranny.)
On my end, I can tell you this – in spite of the obstacles I was running into, even getting myself into that show last Saturday, I felt compelled to do that show, almost no matter what!
Fortunately, as luck would have it, I did make it to get on the air with only a thirty minute delay, during which time the show was being recorded for podcast and I was saying nothing at all, as I did not even realize I had gotten into my studio!
This segment I later deleted, for the good of all, replacing it with the show now available on podcast. What a chaos!
Must have been Goddess-zilla who saw me through the ordeal!
She knows how to use woman warrior, fire energy for the good. That’s why I love and respect her so much!
Only one other show surpasses this one in terms of its calamity quotient; the one where I had a birthday party on the air. Ha Ha. You can listen to that one on podcast here.
Last week’s show was a treasure for me, however. I wrote about the experience, as I began integrating it on Sunday morning, after the broadcast. Little did I know, then, just how far the booty I had generated for myself, by doing that show, with my persistence would carry me.
Not long after, on Monday, based on the outpouring flowing through me, I next wrote an article for New Horizons Small “Zones Of Peace” Project, titled the same as my radio show and, also, this article – “Women Managing Their Anger, Pain (And Fear) In The Face Of Male Resistance”
Check the article and the radio show out! The show is filled with all kinds of juicy suggestions having to do with what I had expressed on another, recent show; the issue of “How Are We Going To Move Ourselves Through The #Metoo Era.” The Small "Zones of Peace" article offers even more, by way of guidance and suggestions for navigating the choppy waters we are now sailing in.
If all that wasn’t enough, the passionate creativity that had been unleashed in me, with my Goddess-zilla alter ego, assisting me, led me next to post that same “Zones of Peace” article on another blog site I often write for, with a different title, "If War Is Not The Answer, What Is?."
Same article, different audience, different title!
My goodness Goddess-zilla had me fired up!
Out of all of this, I think I am, at last, maybe, finding the words to express what is deepest in me, offered through the many wonderful programs, projects and blog posts you can read about on the New Horizons Small “Zones of Peace” Project site. And, joy of all joys, finally beginning to find ways to tie these back into the real meat of everything New Horizons and I do, the theoretical and philosophical underpinnings of all we do. (For this angle, we are only just beginning! What lies ahead is truly scrumptious, if you take the time and do the work of connecting the dots!)
A healthy Goddess-zilla will do this for a woman! Bring woman power to its highest levels! Yum!
Here are a few of my personal philosophies, that can presently sum up what my mind – and – heart are seeing as the collection of gifts New Horizons and myself have for you --
- Beyond Gender Tyranny, as a movement, encompasses the best of New Horizons and myself, embodied in the belief that “war is not the answer,” in the battle of the sexes;
- There are many other roads to travel that sell out no one – man, woman or child, in the battle of the sexes -- headed always for the Mountain of Awe and its signature -- win-win outcomes, the only way to go;
- New Horizons and Anastasia might possibly just be your best guide through the the underbrush covering the terrain we call moving “Beyond Gender Tyranny;"
- Also see my Exploring Your Dark Side: The Adventure Of A Lifetime blog site, where the meat of this all is offered.
For my next show, scheduled for Saturday, May 5, 11:30 a.m., I am presently describing that forthcoming broadcast as follows --
"Anastasia continues to build one show segment, after the other, on her new #Metoo Series of programs. This next show, having its foundations in her last two broadcasts; "No Not Me:" The #Me too Movement And The Issue Of Male Resistance" and "Woman Managing Their Anger, Pain (And Fear) In The Face Of Male Resistance," now takes the issue of "How Are We Going To Move Through The #Metoo Era?" down ever more deeply into the core of the problem solving needed."
With more than forty-five years of experience successfully healing the issues now at the fore, we know how!
However, the effort is only as strong as its weakest link! Don't be IT!
Contact Anastasia for Beyond Gender Tyranny/#Metoo guidance at:
Sunday, April 22, 2018
“I am woman hear me roar!”
The anger phase of my liberation from the “cost of (being) quiet" has turned now into empowering me to push through whatever glass ceiling tiles might be in the way of my being at my fullest, most complete best! Right here! Right now!
|Anastasia's Alter Ego|
In Warrior Garb
Here I come world! Watch out!
But gentle, loving and compassionate as I am – and forgiving, let’s see how it goes.
Anastasia The Storyteller is now ready to take her show on the road!
Want to hear my story?
The real nuts and bolts, the down and dirty of my having been foiled one last time by the oppression of male ego?
Find out how this next saga turns out!
I did not realize until my waking this morning that my Anastasia The Storyteller Radio Show yesterday, not only provided me an opportunity to teach some of the gems I’ve been storing up to share with my devoted readers and listeners –
But additionally gave me one of the platforms I need to celebrate my next phase of “She who rises again” – the meaning of my name, Anastasia by doing one of the things I am best at –
Now I know, after managing a slew of tech difficulties but still getting myself on the air, that from here forth on my new Anastasia The Storyteller Radio series, devoted to #Metoo issues and discussions – the story of my “Ethics Complaint” and my one other situation of sexual abuse – another real drama but this one with a happy ending -- are going to come into play as I, not only tell my story, but also give forth the abundant personal and professional wisdom I’ve accrued in my many decades of living life to its fullest.
Want to be enlightened on "How we are going to move ourselves through the #Metoo era," listen to my podcasts, if you haven’t done so yet. This is the most recent --
Now I am off to hike my mountain road, work up a sweat and put to good use all the fire energy bubbling up inside of me!
The sun is shining. The days are finally warming up.
Who knows what will come next?
Whatever it is, ought to be interesting!
-- along with insights and strategies for other women (and men) dealing with sexual harassment and power abuse situations.
Hear the broadcast on podcast on --