Tuesday, July 10, 2018
The statistics of reader preferences on this blog site alerted me that the article I wrote, titled "Before I Knew," has been a preferred article. Thus I was drawn to check it out, review it and consider updating it.
Once started with that process, I saw that there were many avenues of discussion presented in the original that, given the events that occurred, once I found my own sexual harassment and power-over abuse situation, truly need expansion and clarification, given the enhanced perspectives my own process has begun to illuminate.
And, only just begun to spotlight!
I am at the base of another mountain to climb, while, at the same time, I am at the peak of a separate, but connected one, as if my inner world, joined with the outer world, earth plane and beyond, is a whole chain of mountains to climb.
I have begun that process this morning but more will be added as my contemplation on the subject presented on that original post , "Before I Knew," evolves.
Check back for updates.
Monday, July 9, 2018
Based on a copy of a text to Valerie, my TA colleague and friend of forty-five years. Modified to enhance blog reader’s clarity
OMG! The process has now, officially, begun with the ITAA Ethics Committee rep who is to be my main support and guide through the process ahead, assisting me in resolving my Ethics Complaint.
After only one week, already, I can see that this process is going to be soooo BIG, life changing as I thought it would be!
Possibly one of the biggest things ever, in my life!
Last week things were accelerating so much and so rapidly, I was having trouble eating and sleeping – and – even functioning normally.
I guess BIG things can’t really happen in a person’s life, being fully present to them, without ordinary, day-to-day life getting a bit off balance, at least for a while.
Today, after doing all kinds of things to calm myself down, I feel as if I were giving myself a pause to stand on the mountain peak I can reach from climbing up the back of our property, here, and trekking, for hours, across the ridge up top, to reach it.
The view is, in a way, technically speaking, part of my backyard.
From there, like in the picture, here, to the side, you can see for miles around and close up view the majestic confluence of the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers, as they meet in Harpers Ferry. Not even the flood disaster from which we are just recovering can spoil the marvel of it all.
I have been expecting this journey I am presently now beginning, praying each day for its start, since I submitted my Ethics Complaint. Backed up by all that is happening in our country and around the world, let loose by the Harvey Weinstein/Hollywood scandals and carried forth by the #MeToo movement, it is hard to wrap one’s mind around just how HUGE and transforming a experience it is in my life!
But what is happening here is not only for my life, but touching on the lives of hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of other women throughout the world.
The vastness is almost unimaginable!
If one could view what’s happening from a cloud or in outer space, as the astronauts have done, you could almost see, feel and realize the Oneness of which we are all a part.
Already, in the doing, only just begun, what is happening, for me, is so much deeper than I imagined; so much higher and wider and deeper.
And we've only just started!
So far the ITAA Ethics Committee rep assigned to me, who lives in the UK, and I have just interacted, by email, a handful of times to introduce ourselves to one another. In the weeks and months ahead (most likely a long term, ongoing conversation is now beginning to be established), she and I will interact a lot, using the WhatsApp app as she is there and I am here in the U.S..
Events of last week, one of the main ones being the contact established, put me into such an emotional and physical upheaval that I ended up stunned by the happenings. So much so that I spent five out of seven days unable to do hardly anything other than just sit and watch the trees and sky and earth.
Not a bad way to help one heal, but even in the beauty I live in, a lot of the time I felt awful.
I am quite blessed to live on this sacred land where I am, but sometimes “awful” is just that, no matter where one is.
Yesterday was the pinnacle, waking up, not only being emotionally drained, but throwing up with an upset stomach for hours. Stress can do that to you, of course.
The stress of getting the things you have only dreamed of, yet truly believed you should have, can be disturbing, as you know.
Hold me, please, in your heart with love, as I know you do anyway.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
What happens next here with Anastasia’s Ethics Complaint adventure?
Will it be another adventure of a lifetime, sorting out the Dark from the Light and righting whatever had gone amiss for me that led to my needing to file an Ethics Complaint, to start?
I think so and I would hope so!
And indeed it looks as if that is the way we are headed; into a process of “ongoing conversation to achieve some clarity” about my situation, to be facilitated, it appears, by a representative of the ITAA Ethics Committee.
The charge, as I understand it, of that representative, will be to “listen and to start to work together” with me to find options for truth, reconciliation and healing on my behalf.
Who could ask for more?
This is what I would wish for every woman facing a situation like mine!
Here we have the next steps of a process that is likely to be lengthy and involved. Processes, actually, that will transcend and transform the darkness of certain events.
I would probably be kicking up my heels with joy if decades of emotional debris, broken professional networks and personal relationships, colleguael respect and awards, credential and financial losses, had not made this a most complicated issue to resolve.
That aside from all kinds of other related and tangential stuff I will be needing to sort out about my life in general, as it has been these many years since the offenses of my sexual harasser, power abuser took place (1985 – 1992).
Add to that – where is my professional life to go now?
And how will the changes ahead affect my personal life, as the wrongs of the past are to now be righted?
All to the good is what I surmise lies ahead.
But the bounty won’t be a simple excavation to access or easily attained.
In the past few days, since I received my Ethics Complaint response communication, I have, understandably, been reviewing many aspects of my situation, as it stands now, also contemplating, from my sole vantage place, what happens next.
It is altogether too big a bite to chew on and swallow whole!
Too big a landscape to view for what is now to happen in my life in future days.
Too big of a picture to wrap my mind around, quickly or easily.
I am reminded here of how hard it has been to wrap my mind around the tangle of my father’s relationship, for a time, with George Barris, most famous, I imagine, of all of Hollywood’s custom car designers!
To the child’s mind, residing in me still, it is difficult to this day!
I was only eleven or twelve when my father hooked up with George, in some kind of custom car business arrangement. The product the two created became a full-scale custom car enterprise called Custom Corner. The business, taking up most of a city block, sat on the corner of Vine Street and Willougby in Hollywood, throughout the 1950s into the early ‘60s, not too far from the famous corner of Hollywood and Vine, diagonally across from Desilu Productions which was, at the time, on Willougby.
It was an impressive endeavor that brought my father to reclaim some degree of personal confidence, following my infant sister’s death, my mother’s mental breakdown, her subsequent acting out and the divorce from my father she then instituted, back in Ohio. My father and I, being away from her in California, part of the year, as we were to be then, also gave us enough of a distance from her to begin to regain some semblance of normality that only being significantly distant from her could accomplish.
She had, by this time, become frequently violent, with one manner of chaos or other of upset, the norm.
My very small town father had spent most of his growing up days in the village of Loudonville, Ohio. As a parcel of nearby Ashland and Holmes counties in Ohio, this tiny community, set on fewer than three miles, even today, has less than 3,000 people. If memory serves me, in my father’s youth, it had around 500 inhabitants.
From Loundonville my father and his family moved to Canton, Ohio, for a time, where extended family members lived. From there my father went into the family business, with his father, in smallish town, Elyria, Ohio. The business was a auto wrecking and junkyard business, a very lucrative endeavor at the time, being that it was now World War II and supplying metals to the federal government had lined his pockets and that of my grandfather, grandly.
Well-situated as a young and up and coming businessman, my father had married my mother, involved himself in the local Jewish community and civic affairs, had me -- and – went on to live a typical small town life.
Transporting himself to California after our family upheaval, my father was impacted greatly by Hollywood -- and -- not in completely positive ways that I can recall.
Actually, for my father, Hollywood was a bit of a mixed bag, I think, which brings me back to George and the lasting influence he has had on me.
Some of it has been good, even priceless, as I can attribute my boundless creativity, often turned into business enterprises, to what I saw in the working together of George and my father.
Who else, but George could have shown me how to be totally free of thinking inside the limits of imaginable boundaries, almost always able, instead, to see that the sky is the limit?
And George and my father working together to create magnificient, state of the art custom cars such as one they collaborated on for Liberace?
Somehow, however, whenever I realize I am having trouble and not able to wrap my mind around situations in my life with clarity: finding the balance between big and small, close up and faraway, personal and public, I am taken back to George in my life -- George who was to become almost BIGGER than life throughout the world, sitting right in front of my face, disrupting my special relationship time with my father.
The clearest example of this dissonance I can recall has to do with George following my father and I out of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in downtown Hollywood, close to midnight on a New Year’s Eve, when I was having a “date” with my father -- and -- imposing himself on our evening.
Over the years, that evening would return to my mind – and my heart, repeatedly, coming back to remind me that George had stolen my time with my father that night. And, always resentment accompanies the scene, exacerbated in my jealous child's mind that he was driving a rather broken down jalopy!
The nerve of him!
Who was this man that could steal my father from me?
Especially driving himself around in that beat up vehicle, up against the adoring, adolescent glow my vision of my father carried for me, along with his huge, shiny Cadillac?
And then go on to become so BIG himself!
The proportion baffles me to this day!
Proportion, it is, I guess, that bewilders me now – and -- far from the first time in my life
For example –
- I am presently surrounded by flood damage so severe that access from my house to the main road is blocked and might remain so for as long as a year we are told;
- I live up in the mountains on ten acres of land where I, especially as a writer, bask in my solitude and the gentler sounds of nature;
- I have spent very few days in recent decades beyond the boundaries of the U.S.A. with myself rarely leaving this land where I live, in close to twenty years. Since I lost my eyesight in 1998, I seldom go further than nearby towns, with only an occasional trip, now and then, to D.C. or Baltimore.
- By contrast, the ITAA Ethics Committee seems, from all I have gathered, so far, to be convening in South Africa, of all places!!
- My Ethics Complaint is against an internationally prominent member of this dominantly psychology-oriented association while I am a mountain woman, at this stage of my life, as well as, by birth, a small town girl.
- Many years ago, I made a purposeful choice to leave the fast paced, achievement, power and status-driven track life behind. No Hollywood life, no D.C. life, for me! Instead I have gone farther and farther into the nearby mountains of West Virginia, close enough to get to those urban areas, if I choose. But faraway enough to keep them at a sound distance from me, along with their various toxicities and pollutants.
I am considering this, today, as I do all kinds of wondering about my life, my relationships with others, privately, organizationally, locally, regionally, nationally and internationally, all the way to South Africa!
For a bottom line from today’s musings, I can’t help but being drawn to an article I read yesterday on the internet titled “Want To End Sexual Harassment? Landmark Study Finds Ousting ‘Bad Men’ Isn’t Enough.”
I was particularly struck by the closing comment of that piece –
“To transform a culture from being one of disrespect and derision to be a culture of respect, everyone needs to know where the problems are and what the flaws are so that everybody can be working on it … said Lilia Cortina, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at the University of Michigan and one of 21 experts who authored the report.”I have kept myself as separated as I could from society, politics and organizational dysfunction for decades. It is relatively easy to accomplish this distancing up in the mountains, even with internet access.
Could it be that, now, I will be, sooner or later, called to come out of my hidey hole to serve in the aid of the healing in areas I chose, deliberately, to leave behind, at least to achieve my own healing?
Makes sense, doesn't it, when transforming the Dark Side in individuals, relationships, groups and organizations is my expertise?
Of course, more to come.
Friday, June 15, 2018
I received my long-awaited first response to my Ethics Complaint, this morning, from the Ethics Committee of the International Transactional Analysis Association. I had submitted it on Mother’s Day.
BOTTOM LINE: What could be more apropos for me, head of the New Horizons’ Coffee House Conversations Initiative than an invitation into an "ongoing conversation" between the members of the Ethics Committee and myself, with a pledge for us to work together on behalf of truth, reconciliation and my healing, personally and professionally?
That is exactly what I got!
|Healing and transformation have one master key, |
intention, and many possible doorways
I thought you would like to know.
I will write more on this once I have settled in to this next phase of my Ethics Complaint process and begun to sort out what It means for me, personally and professionally.
Meanwhile, as I sink in to this added dimension to my reality, I invite you to join Steve Lebherz, my new radio show co-host, and myself as we take up our next online radio show discussion, moving forward through the challenges of the #MeToo era.
On that show, on the heels of this news of mine, I doubt I will be able to totally skim over this HUGE EVENT for me, this first response from the ITAA Ethics Committee to the submission of my formal Ethics Complaint, although it will definitely require some serious, quiet contemplation on my part sooner or later.
So be sure to join Steve and I tomorrow morning and discover, with us, whatever might just pop out as our personal journeys through the #MeToo era seek to also entwine with your own in this time of exciting cultural transformation.
Saturday, June 16, 11:30 a.m.
Guest call in number: 646.564.9608
(Be sure to push 1 to get into our studio queue and on the air)
Saturday, June 23, 11:30 a.m.
Also look for a bit of humor, in the midst of all this heavy stuff.
That just goes with being with Steve.
Both shows will welcome call ins!
So be sure to keep abreast of details to aid your personal participation.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
It is now into the fourth week since my Ethics Complaint was submitted. I have been advised that my first response from the Committee will be tendered no later than six weeks. With this in mind, overall, I have taken the stricture quite well, distracting myself with other meaningful areas of my life.
Still, by today, I am feeling a bit hemmed in, an emotional state exacerbated by the state of emergency brought about by the incessant rains and resultant flooding here, including significant flood damage on the property of New Horizons Harpers Ferry Retreat Center where flood disaster crews will be working for quite some time on repairs.
All routes to nearby main highways are blocked with a rock slide having fallen across our Potomac River access road, obstructing through traffic possibly taking as long as six months to one year or more to repair.
Why not feel restricted with conditions such as this?
"How" not to feel confined might be the more apt question.
To date I have been able to manage this time of the Ethics Committee’s deliberations on my submission with relative calm.
Meditation on a daily basis, of course, keeps me grounded, as well as connected to Divine Source energies. And, yesterday, the rains and runoff waters had subsided enough for me to begin to return to a, more or less, regular, daily mountain road trek.
But life, these days, is difficult and trying.
Last week a trip to the closest supermarket I could find for grocery shopping took me almost ninety minutes to reach my destination; a usual trip taking only twenty minutes or so.
The temporary halting of my newly developed interest in being more sociable, less of a hermit is, obviously, curtailed.
Some of the time, these past weeks, I have had imaginary conversations with the committee members who have no actual faces for me and only a few names, also without faces.
I inquire of these mentally made up images what they are thinking about my submitted documents, creating an imaginary dialogue on the issues my ethics complaint spotlight.
Sometimes I re-read portions of the documents I sent, imagining one type person or another reading what I have written, contemplating my words.
I go on, sometimes, from this to imagining feelings my words may have evoked in these unknown committee members. On occasion I lean more toward female reactions, other times toward the males.
I have asked the members of the Committee, above and beyond all, to manage their eventual responses with caring and compassion, a subtle or not so subtle attempt on my part to forestall and offset the initial hostilities I experienced at the onset of my first contacts with the two original committee co-chairs.
Each day I do my best to stay positive, visualizing positive outcomes as forthcoming.
However, I can't help but wishing a formal response to my arduous efforts will not be far off.
In my imaginings I visualize further details being requested. More documents to put meat on the bare bones of information I have already provided.
Thus an extended term of enforced silence, on my part, as long as my complaint remains in its initial pending status, requiring the utmost confidentiality.
Shifting my attentions beyond these constraints, I take up a longer range contemplation, imagining my life’s direction after this process ends – someday soon I hope.
I anticipate positive results. After all I have made a good case for my complaint.
How could there be anything but an affirming and supportive outcome for me?
Some kind of new freedom awaits me, I think, a liberation for my feminine soul that wishes only to be free and happy!
“What do I want for my future, after this term of deliberation,” I ask myself?
More than anything I want to be free to make my truth a known reality -- and -- live that truth to its heights!
I want to come out of the hiding I hadn't been aware I was doing!
I want to be FREE to be wholly me, fully who I am, transparent and whole!
For this I yearn with every cell of my being!
I began writing this blog eight years ago.
When I began I quoted these words from a poem that I knew and loved –
“I wear a thousand masks – and all of them are me.”Those words truly exemplified where I was back then.
I had started masking myself when I was about nine years old when my mother had her breakdown, following the death of my baby sister. Wearing a mask over my terrified inner being became habitual, so much so I began to know no other way.
Hiding out beneath surface chatter became habituated, protective, safe and eventually convenient.
So familiar had it become that after a while what had become a means to safeguard myself from the anticipated daily onslaughts of a borderline personality disordered and dangerous mother became a lifestyle for me; my way of being in a world I deemed unsafe.
I don't like that way anymore!
I don’t need that way anymore!
I know how to live well, now and I love that way that have worked so hard to achieve.
In a recent story on NPR titled “MeToo Complaints Swamp Human Resource Departments,” Shelly Ruzicka, a spokesperson for Arise Chicago, a faith-based worker-advocacy groups, stated --
“…. because they filed complaints….they were told not to discuss their stories while their cases are pending. "And so what we find is that women, even though they are brave enough to stand up and have somehow made it through the process this far, is they're once again feeling trapped and feeling silenced..”
This is #Metoo!!!
While I seem to be managing the entrapment our local flood disaster has brought, the limitations imposed on me, as a result of the confidentiality demands of my ethics complaint give me the feeling that I am under a gag order, as if in a court trial, worse still sometimes I feel as if I am under house arrest with all the surrounding road closures.
I hate this!
I want to be free!
I want to go on my way as Anastasia The Storyteller, on my blogs, on my radio show, in public forums, telling my stories to help make this world a better place – and assert my right to be wholly me, in public and --
hide no more!
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
The two events are directly connected!
Of course you will wonder how this could be. And, of course, I will say, one more time, more on the way. But sagas take a long time in unfolding, especially if one, such as myself, is after telling a tale on the internet, in depth, not just the surface, so all I can assure you now is --
You will appreciate the journey of my tale-telling, perhaps like a mini novel, leading you to discover how Bill Clinton’s lying about Monica Lewinsky resulted in my going blind.
Furthermore, it is my intention with all of this, that you will, minimally, gain, from my efforts here an enhanced ability, or at least willingness, to consider that what you may be holding back from "seeing" -- and -- "saying" might, as has happened for me, be serving to deter your best level of healthy living -- and -- enable the Dark Side's proliferation in others, personally, and in our society and politics!
But it will take me a bit of time to make my story complete for you. It is quite a saga!
And, if you will notice, my going blind when I see and try to say what I'm not supposed to be looking at, showed itself when I went blind, again, as I discovered the documents that lead to my present Ethics Complaint.
Not an "accident," by any means, if you know my full story.
There is another story I’ve kept under wraps for a good long time; the story about how I went blind the day I went on the air at a local radio station to say what I saw about Bill Clinton's Dark Side when he lied about Monica Lewinsky.
Now is the time!
Bill Clinton’s defense against his being called out yesterday on where he stood in cleaning up his act with Monica Lewinsky, honoring the opportunity #Metoo has given him (and untold numbers of other power-over abusers) just tipped the scales, making it my time, too, to add a bit more spice to the #Metoo conversation!
Most intriguingly I just happen to have a recorded documentation of the day I went blind, confronting Bill Clinton lying about Monica Lewinsky! My sharing it has been in the works for awhile.
Now is the time!
You will be able to hear snippets of those recordings, over time, on my Anastasia The Storyteller Radio Show as we go ever more deeply into the Dark Side Warrior aspects of How We Are Going To Move Ourselves Through The #Metoo Era.
Today Bill Clinton crossed a final line with me, from whence he will never return.
Not because I am a person who holds grudges but because he is way past redemption! And a woman needs to decide which abusers merit forgiveness (and why) in this #Metoo era of settling up our books.
Should I say thanks to the almighty powers that be that Hillary did not make it to the White House?
Where would #Metoo be today, if she had?
I tremble to think it!
Listen in this coming week, provided our local flood disaster recovery makes ample headway in the cell tower repair department, as we take another step forward in digging in as deep as we are able on the air to help move the healing of #Metoo damage forward.
Our show will be all about “leaning in,” as the pathway to healing the wounds of #Metoo that neither Bill Clinton nor his consort, Hillary, and likely his daughter, just don’t get!
Join us for this week’s show –
Moving Beyond Gender Tyranny: Setting The Stage (Rescheduled Show 2x)
Saturday, June 9 11:30 a.m.
G-d willing and the creek don’t rise, again!
Yesterday our "creek," the confluence of the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers at Harpers Ferry, crested at over 21 feet!
OMG! The lower town of historical Harpers Ferry is flooded!
Thank G-d we are high above the river, up here at New Horizons Harpers Ferry Retreat Center.
More to come as I am, obviously, Anastasia The Storyteller here and on Blog Talk Radio with a thousand and more stories to tell.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
A Tribute To Me (and You) From Me
I offer this piece today to the women of the world who are reaching for their dreams beyond glass ceilings, especially imposed upon them by the dominance and disrespect of others, particularly men and the male-dominated society.
Written, originally, on Monday, December 31, 1984 on the occasion of my first New Year’s Eve with out a "date" since I was fifteen years old.
My “utterance,” of course, has a story behind it which I will hold back for another time. For today let only the surface suffice, as I work to move myself beyond fears and insecurities, evoked presently by the challenges of my Ethics Complaint and the trials of now being in a flood disaster area with significant property damages.
From Anastasia, whose name means “She Who Rises Again”
On the occasion of preparing myself for whatever lies ahead with my Ethics Complaint (3 weeks into the process, awaiting word from the Ethics Committee) and our new challenge (New Horizons and me) now dealing with a flood disaster, pledging myself to carry the ball in my hands for a touchdown, wherever that leads me in the highest regard.
Alive In '85
I am in Love --- IN LOVE with me, OFFICIALLY!!!!!
I announce the marriage of ME to ME!!!!
A solemm oath – till death do us part.
-- To love and to cherish.
|Surviving Addictions, book cover draft, circa 1991|
Look for a new, updated version of this book,
coming soon. Current, unedited edition available now.
I am WOMAN!
I am MAN!
Alive for ’85!!!
And onward, and onward – joyous happiness!
My body floats through the air – dancing in harmony with me.
This is bliss!
I dance, I sing, my heart sings, bursting with Joy!
I cry, I sob, I ache, I embrace me – tenderly.
I love, I care – so much to give endlessly.
Can this be real?
Can this be true?
So HIGH --- I?
My life ahead – a joy for me!
The ups and the downs – a team we’ll be.
Going through life – depending on each other.
Bursting with pride at the successes of each other.
Never apart, right from the start.
And, all the way to the end!
Can This Be Real?
Where has it BEEN HIDDEN?
ALL THIS TIME!!!
And NO ONE need BE Excluded.
There is not room for just me and you.
The World is A BIG PLACE --- In Harmony!
Let’s go Face to Face – and Create a BLESS –ED PLACE!
Without doubt, shame or fear.
What is going on here?
Of course, I’d be insane if I didn’t share!
Is this Real??
No others? No Men! No Women!
No fathers? No mothers?
For each of us ultimately – we must first and foremost stand “United” with our Selves.
Wedded to our own hearts and in this find our bliss.
If you do not love yourself, the rest is HORSESHIT!!!!!
Not a very pretty word, but to the point, indeed!
What is going on with me???
I feel HIGH – and all there is, is ME?
How can that BE?
Am I willing to say what I believe in?
Am I writing this now to be SEEN?
This must be a DREAM!
AH – Could it be!!!
“If you can imagine it, You can achieve it.
If you can dream it, You can become it.”
Perhaps I am Tinker Belle or… .?
Now you imagine – FANTASIZE – if you will.
How would you be?
If you dared to allow yourself to be – all that you are!!!
How would you be if you were a TINKER TOO!!!!????
Or a Full-Spirited Gorgeous Man?????
“I AM!!!!, I said.
And all there is – is ME!!
Letting go of the mother and father parts of my past.
Now it’s ME!!
Male and Female.
Mother and Father.
Romeo and Juliet.
Adam and Eve.
Under one GOD – indivisible for you and me and WE!
“Justice for ALL!”
Marcia E. Rosen, Queen Androgeny
Monday Evening, New Year’s Eve
December 31, 1984
M. Anastasia Rosen-Jones, “She Who Rises Again”
Sunday, June 03, 2018