Friday, December 19, 2014

The Convict In Me: Part I

Having boldly proclaimed -- in my "Bill Cosby's Wife Sez" article -- that there is an inherent wisdom in knowing one’s inner convict-self, especially for us women, it stands to reason I must, now, come clean on the issue myself.

But didn’t I immediately after asserting myself on this item find myself spontaneously immersed in the effort?

You bet I did!

But it has been a long, long time since I looked carefully at the manuscript material of my three unpublished Random House books, still sitting in files – and – in piles. Since the very day I lost my eyesight, Labor Day weekend, 1998.

So it doesn’t come easily; to go back, look at it all and reconstruct the “Me” I used to be.

Originally, when I wrote my first book, I was just learning to write for the readers-eeze. And, I was far from adept at sharing myself along with that.

So what you get from that manuscript about my convict side, if you read what I am now beginning to post in my “Prologue,” is vague and insubstantial, at least about me.

I am, however, committed to rectifying this, believing it is the honest, straightforward thing to do, but it will truly be a long labor of love and some discipline.

For now, however, one thing is quite clear to me. On the Survivor/Addict inventory questions, my original scores, when I  first began my “adventure of a lifetime” (1973), tallied up to 125+!

Believe me this is definitely convict level. The highest score available! 

With the “plus” included to mark how totally off the charts was I, at that time in my life. 

Read the scoring structure yourself to see what I mean about a mindset and some accompanying behaviors that make up the inner convict. 

And, while you’re at it, take this inventory yourself and see how you measure up as convict type or good and true, best kind of human.

As for me, no matter the face I presented back then, I was as trapped in my survivor/addict, convict style, as if I had truly been behind bars. I can say this now without reservation.

(Marty Groder, my psychiatrist mentor, said of me during this era that I was so nice, I “could nice someone to death.”  Obviously he could see straight through me.)

There were reasons, of course. There always are.

Scoring aside, in my case my survivor/addict side, as with most of us, started to develop in childhood. 

I had actually been the prisoner of a mentally ill and abusive mother from the time I was eight years old until a sexually abusive husband took over when I was twenty, continuing imprisonment until I was twenty-five.

But I’ve been free now for many years, my inner convict replaced by the love and strength of a goddess; Amazon-type for sure. I call her Goddess-zilla.

I wish the same in strength and love. And, if you are a male, be a gorgeous, full-spirited man; loving, kind, compassionate, strong and wise.

Now, see if you have the courage to check yourself out on this assessment.

More to come.

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