Running Toward The Light

I am running, running now -- toward the Light. The Light! The Light!

It is a miracle. Moment by moment, it seems almost, there is more Light coming into my diseased eye, now healing from its last round of Darkness.

Hour by hour my vision seems to get brighter and brighter. 

Sometimes almost moment by moment, growing clarity comes into my sight, my vision field expanding, expanding. 

OMG! 

I am so grateful, so happy. 

The brightness is beautiful!

I feel such gratitude for the gentle hands and advanced medical technology that has brought me this miracle.

And – in my meditations this morning I wonder with frustration and great sorrow in my heart how and why it is that SEEING all that there is to be SEEN – the most complete truth of truths, the whole reality of reality, as close as one can see of it – can be anything but top priority -- glorious, freedom.

Seeing all became a death defying challenge for me at eight years old. My mentally disturbed mother put a curse on my innocent self to not see what I saw. Forever after “my seeing” what she did not want me to see became a threat to her, punishable by the prospect of my death.  No wonder ordinary seeing has been such an ordeal for me.

I fought this wicked curse – always; a battle to the finish, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.  And, I am winning, am I not? Seeing is my biggest victory, my highest reward.

So here I am now, blessed and in AWE!

Like an astronaut high above the earth, I can see and it is glorious! 

Please celebrate with me. 

Join me please in seeing ALL there is to see. Hold back nothing!

Reflections

A dear friend wrote back from my sending out a link yesterday for my blog article titled “I Felt the Hand of G-d.”  She wanted to pass on to me the following –

“You may not agree, but I believe, based on old testament scripture, any symbol with one eye is demonic; it is not of God.”

Ouch! Oh dear! Had the seemingly simple act of my telling of the wonder I experienced during my corneal transplant surgery set off another round of “snags” in my life? Darn! Am I never going to “do” my “being” perfectly enough for the love I love to give and receive?

What was preferred, now that I reflect back on my actions of writing, posting and sending, was to invite a gathering of Beloved human souls to be with me as I celebrate my regaining vision. The kind of being together that becomes synergy; the adding up of one plus one that is more than one, bringing us to the edge of “awe, if not directly in it.

Ouch, instead instinctively I felt myself retreat from my friend’s appraisal of the Hamsa icon I had used to represent my extraordinary surgery experience. It seems my sharing had brought challenge back rather than out and out unity, or so I thought at first.

But I no longer like that way of reacting/responding; the withdraw, pull back, “I’m outta here” mode. 

So, now, being the good student that I am, even of my own wisdom, I did the kind of thing I am more likely to do these days; I pushed myself forward to “lean in” toward my friend, defining me while reaching out to her with a yearning for a higher order of connection than I had imagined possible in my former days with my former ways.

Soon I found words, rather than silence, to express my views, envisioning that I was taking this action at the risk of possible chastisement from her.  

Surprise of surprises; do you know what I got?

A kindly response from her.  How about that!

She felt no offense at my using that icon. She had only offered me a different view than the one I had chosen to support my selection of the amulet, Hamsa; protecting me from criticism from those more apt to truly judge my choice than she.

(The Hamsa, according to Wikipedia, is now embraced by Jews and Muslims alike as a sign of protection, originating in many societies, throughout history, to provide defense against the evil eye.}

Just goes to show me, one more time, that: 1. We all still have a long way to go in learning to make room in our lives for our different cultures, faiths, viewpoints etc.; and 2. “Leaning in,” dialogue rather than debate and moving from snags to synergy have greater potentials for creating the peace, unity and, yes, even love, that can best guide us out of our human troubles than do their alternatives; pulling away, debate and conflict (yukk all the way to supreme polarization and violence).

What hopeful and heartwarming thoughts to consider. 

What a beautiful vision to SEE on this Monday before Christmas as my new cornea continues bringing me ever increasing Light.

I Felt The Hand Of G-d

And, now, three days later I have already begun to see out of my blind eye; the one that had the cornea with its final demise in 2011.

This actually did happen on Thursday afternoon at Johns Hopkins when my ophthalmologist, Dr. John Gottsch, assisted by his Fellow, Dr. Katelyn Earls, and a wonderful surgical team replaced my damaged cornea with a fresh new one. I was awake for it all and I feel quite certain of what I felt and saw though I am not sure everyone would agree that they, too, saw what I saw.

Oh well!

Now I am posing a new, next challenge to myself for my unfolding adventure of living my life; discovering how I can carry forth and live this blessing I experienced on the operating table, every day, all day, everywhere?

I don’t know yet how to do this. But the marvel is that I can already see the fingers of my hand moving and colors and doorways; still hazy but obviously present.  

OMG!

At the time of my last cornea transplant, April 2002, which was number six and all those before it, the healing and the aftermath were excruciating and tiring. I felt horrible pain and do not remember regaining vision for as long as one year.

But today, only seventy-two hours after surgery I feel great, no pain and remarkable sight for this distance. I feel superb and I am blessed for certain.

Now I must learn some new ways of "seeing" in the world, especially my little corner in it.

Thank you everyone for your kind support.

Coffee House Conversations And A Year of Leaning In Lessons

Love – and the leaning in that goes with it (or comes of it) by nature, can teach us almost more than anything else. 

A wise old saying from the I Ching, ancient oracle of Taoism, reminds me, again and again, that whereas an end may never be realized, we are often able to trace back to the beginning of a given circumstance. 

Love taught me a
lot this year.

With this understanding in mind I have long appreciated that my Jewish upbringing has so well attuned me to pay attention to cycles; of a year, of certain periods of growth, to journeys and adventures, as well as the cycles inherent in significant endeavors, especially those of an anticipated long term.

The Jewish High Holidays call Jews to review the year past with a studied eye and an open mind and heart to guide one in making amends and fresh starts where needed.  The traditional New Year of the Gregorian Calendar, as followed by Western cultures, also invites out this kind of appraisal with an emphasis on making resolutions to pave a path to personal betterment.

I have noticed, however, that the seeking of individual and relationship improvement, or perhaps even weight loss and financial gain, are not necessarily the only aspects to evaluate at these peak times, nor is a definitive action plan necessarily called for.  Sometimes, I have come to see, standing back from a situation to simply gain perspective on a given circumstance or set of conditions is enough; a time for merely taking inventory of what one has gained, or lost or possibly learned.

I began 2015 with a love story on my mind that soon became the Coffee House Conversations Project. You can hear the story and the many levels of significance it had for me on my podcast titled “Leaning Into Conversations on Race Relations: A Love Story."  This morning, as 2015 nears its end, I revisited the tale I told on my Possible Society In Motion Radio Show with the added flavoring of input from my co-host, Jack Slattery.

I don’t know what I specifically hoped to find. But certainly I was looking to it as a means of tracing back to something from the beginnings of the New Horizons Coffee House Conversations project I had designed along with my collaborator of all things, Sue deVeer. I believe I have a wish to discover something new in reviewing the initial stages; a yearning, perhaps, to uncover something previously unrevealed or not quite as vivid yet as might be valuable. 

Valuable for what, I hear myself asking myself as I write this. No immediate answer offers itself. So I sit and ponder what I am seeking. Possibly I am seeking objective perspectives that I was “too close to the forest to see the trees” back then, as we presented Coffee House Conversation event after event, and I am hoping for inner guidance to help me know where to go next, sometime in the future.

For now, I think I will just let my answer hang awhile, allowing new insights to come to me as “I do nothing and everything gets done,” as the sagacity of the ancient stones known as Runes suggests, lighting my way with guidance from the Great Beyond.

One thing I am certain of from this past year of Coffee House Conversations, nine presented in all, with many new faces and friends brought into my life and back story adventures experienced, love played an enormous role for me in it all. Also I am wondering, did love play a part, large or small, for the others who shared the adventures we had?

Following my own advice about leaning in to others, especially those who are at least a shade different than me in race, ethnicity or values otherwise, I have learned a great deal by following the prescriptions of my home brewed medicine. I do hope that others are with me in this.

With the holiday season unfolding and an extensive break time ahead for me, well-earned and designated into next year, I am going to take the time now to do a lot of standing back to discover just exactly what it is I have learned this past year that has perhaps been more momentous for me than any other since 1998 when I lost my eyesight. 

Though I can’t quite understand “how” or even begin to tell you “what” I’ve learned in the process –eventually I will, at least part of it.

This much I do know, always in my heart
it is for the "kinder," the next generation
that fuels my determination and my passion.

Sometimes You Just Need To Pause, Reflect and Celebrate

Thanksgiving is such a time.  The turkey that got away is doing it too!

My Thanksgiving this year was that kind of day for me; a day of peace, love, gratitude and celebration. I hope yours was that way too.

The turkey’s special day was followed soon after by Jack, my radio show co-host, and I doing a special program, marking the pinnacle that has been reached so far of New Horizons, almost one year old, Coffee House Conversations Project.

Of course, since I am the blueprint designer of the project (i.e. the “Mom” that birthed the project) I take a particular pride in what we have accomplished. Paying attention to the fact, last year at this time, that we were not doing enough for our community in the areas of race, community and police relations with the abundance we have, we got on board and now have, a new “baby” who is making folks smile.

And, my oh my how she has grown in just this one year!

You may recall, if you have been following our blogs that our Coffee House Conversations Project began as a love story as all babies should. You can hear my tale of it here, Leaning Into Conversations On Race Relations: A Love Story.

For those who have already listened to the podcast from yesterday’s show titled “Citizens and Police In Conversation: A Promising First Step,” it goes along with a newborn now becoming a toddler that our baby is taking its first steps. But my oh my what a walk this looks to be.

Check out our podcast for the show, Citizens and Police In Conversation: A Promising First Step. Join our celebration that the tragedies of Ferguson, Missouri prompted us to aim our sights a good bit higher than they were last year at this time. In the midst of commemorating the losses, we are also able to appreciate that out of the darkness has come a bit more light, if only a little.

And, consider this – your time, your talent and even your treasures, $$$ and otherwise, can help us grown bigger and bigger and bigger, placing you right in the midst of our Possible Society In Motion efforts.  (Details on how you can soon donate to our project are currently in production.)

Celebrate now with us – and – be an active part of a beautifully unfolding future for a “possible society in motion”, "our" possible society in motion.

“Hang Together…” Or Else

Ben Franklin, around the signing of the Declaration of Independence, stated his well-remembered quote, “We must all hang together or most assuredly hang alone,” emphasizing that all must remain united and supportive of one another to ensure our freedom.

There are endless reasons for people to hang together. But so often we forget this or neglect to give it its due.  Then something tragic occurs such as what has happened in Paris this past weekend. 

Then we remember, at least for a little while, how very much we all need one another -- and the tragic price we can pay for divisiveness. 

As we face heartbreaking losses we cleave to one another, finding comfort and warmth in our human connectedness. All too soon, however, when our catastrophes recede, many, if not most of us, return to life as usual; the way it was before we were challenged in the heartrending way; too caught up and busy with our own, self-focused imperatives for others to matter.

When I was the local president of the National Council of Jewish Women (NCJW) I experienced a heartrending controversy that tore Jews in my local area apart, at least initially the situation seemed to me to do that. Simultaneously I found alliances with Christians and other non-affiliated folks.

Actually, as I was to discover, as I waded my way through hip high resentments, power plays, secrets and collusions, distancing the hearts among many Jews in a town, not overly abundant in them, divisiveness was rife in this community. I was heartbroken at this realization as it became clearer and clearer to me. In fact, I believe that what I saw, how I interpreted it and what I felt at the time about the situation was an important turning point in my life.

I, too, had turned my back on others; of my faith heritage as well as many others. In fact, for more decades than I care to remember I became determinedly anti-Semitic. Even bleaching my hair blonde so as not to be identified as “one of them.” When I purposefully came back to my association with these “others” only to find Jew against Jew in the most petty of ways, my hard won dedication to going back turned my perspective of Jewish community and what it meant to me growing up on its head.

Today we see almost daily that people need to not “other” anyone, same or not same.  While people will, no doubt, find sustenance  most readily from likeminded others, we must ‘hang together” with “others” no matter who or what they are; the same or not.

There is much more to this story of mine; a tale of separation from others, the toll it took on me and the others, what my return has been like and how it has changed me – for the better. I will speak of it increasingly in the future as I believe that what I have learned in this specific area of my personal journey is well-worth the sharing for the lessons accrued.

Already my Exploring Your Dark Side blog site is becoming a platform for the treasures I have gained to be shared. I hope you will check it out, especially if “hanging together” means something to you – and – sometimes you don’t do it as well as you might.

Today, as my inner world plays an increasingly energetic and interactive role with my outer world and the world surrounding, close up and far away, what I have discovered as I made my way to this place of abundant unity and support merits sharing.

For today, however, I think it best to simply invite you, my loyal readers, to check out the most recent Possible Society In Motion Radio Show titled, “Why "Bother" With Community,” that Jack, my co-host, and I did last Thursday.  We made a beginning, but only a start, at digging into the countless obstacles and rewards of humanity, at its best, when people hang together. 

Especially when we can each appreciate that no other option can better serve us; in times of tragedy, loss, sorrow, joy and celebration!  

Today if we look to Paris we are reminded of this.

George Barris Has Died: I Had Hoped He Would Be Immortal

George Barris, the world renowned custom car designer, best known as the creator of the Batmobile, has died. I read of his passing in the New York Times. As the headline announcing his demise sunk into my mind, a clunk hit my belly, my chest went thud and my heart ached. Next I heard my mind state, emphatically, that an era had ended for me with George’s passing; my childhood was finally over!

Now what could that possibly mean?

The model and color of my first car
George and my Dad customized for me.

Foolishness to the extreme you might think, especially considering I had not seen the man in over fifty years. But there it was anyway, the hit I hadn’t expected, bringing me to realize that I had been holding on to a belief – a wish?? deep down that George Barris would be immortal and live on forever. What an unanticipated surprise!

On the surface, of course, my reaction might seem strange. But no, George Barris had died, leaving me feeling bereft in unimagined ways. Today these unexpected emotions show up again as I set thoughts to paper.  Of course, the deepest part of the meaning is about my father and how George’s relationship to him altered the course of my life. Yet beyond that there is something more. These two men together; my father and George Barris, have shape the woman I have become.  Neither of them alone could have brewed what jointly they created in me.

For many years I have known this to be true. But today I am telling you too.

I realized immediately that my reactions to George’s death warranted some serious contemplation. Mainly, as I touched on in my blog article titled, “Whatever Happened To George Barris,” the greatest significance would seem to be about how George’s relationship to my father as business partners for a time in the 1950s impacted me.  But still there is more.

That clunk in my belly, my chest going thud and my heart aching at his passing show me that the gifts of George’s life, as I briefly shared it and how he thereafter was always in it, near or from afar, warrant a bit more exploration. So I will take time to do this now as my way of honoring a life that was so huge it could not but help impact on others; those around him and those, like myself, beyond any conscious knowing on his part.

Honoring the passing of an individual, no matter who they are or what they done with their lives, is a right and loving thing to do. This steadfast belief of mine, incorporated with my Jewish upbringing tells me to mourn one year for members of our family. And, indeed, George without being present became an important member of my family – for better or for worse.

Thus I am intent on giving myself over, according to custom, to paying tribute to this man, George Barris, who, in effect, changed the course of my life – and – gave great gifts to this world in both his art and his personhood.  

Judaism and psychology, my chosen professional field, aside perhaps pure instinct might alert me to the fact that if I have unfinished business with George Barris it would do me well to clear it. Perhaps this unfinished business; actually a debt I thought he owed me, is reason enough for my conscious reflection at this time of his passing. It’s not “nice” to hold grudges and this I do have for him, along with respect and admiration.

So here I go on another one of my mini-adventures of a lifetime, a next personal transformation escapade of mine. I will share this journey into the hidden recesses of my mind with you and let you know what I find.  

If nothing else, this venture on my part will provide you, my loyal readers, with one more person, me, who might advance your insight on the Dark Side/Survivor/Addict in action of which I am writing on my Exploring Your Dark Side: The Adventure of A Lifetime blog. 

Certainly a grudge, especially one held for so many decades as I have done with George Barris, comes only out of the Dark Side. Not let’s see, you and me, what we shall see. 

Perhaps when my adventure is done the reason I have needed for George Barris to be immortal for me will be revealed. But then is he not to be immortal just naturally through all he has contributed and left behind?

The good that a man, especially an artist of his magnitude, is always immortal somehow.