But What About Me?

Where do I stand, personally, in the midst of this Ethics Complaint process, just for me, myself, all about me?

I have done my best to comply with each and every demand placed on me by those in control of the process.

I have done my best, within the limits imposed on me, to speak truth to power in the most diplomatic manner I know to do; not allowing myself to sink too deeply into viewing "them" as having power over me. 

Goddess Amaterasu, please shine on me
and see me through my cloudy and dark times.

Instead recognizing and holding to my belief that, other than the  power of the Unknowable, the ultimate power for my life is ME!!

Having done all this, including countless hours meditating and talking to Sue, my BFF, to get emotional support and keep a clear mind, still I feel wrung out like a wet dishcloth, now, after having had my first -- and very fine-- Ethics Complaint person-to-person meeting.

So, what about me?

One thing is certain; there is no business as usual in my life, any longer!

My Ethics Complaint process has become all-consuming, as evidenced by my new professional status, described in this post, New Horizons Executive Director’s Ethics Complaint Filing Prompts Partial Leave-Taking, for the non-profit organization, New Horizons Support Network, Inc., I founded and head. 

No wonder I feel wrung out.

With all this behind me -- and -- the potential for more flooding again this week hovering over our local area, where am I today?

Sitting in the sacred space in the place I call my indoor garden, employing some of my meditation tools, to help keep me grounded, clear and balanced, feeling wrung out like a wet dishcloth!

I reach back in my mind, surveying the landscape I have covered since that fateful day, late in December when I found the documents, that have brought me to today.

What am I now, with this, my recent past?

Am I wiser, more energetically refined? Healthier?

More whole?

I think not. At least not yet!

At best I am at the peak of being a work in progress; my Ethics Complaint resolution a process in expanding motion.

From where I sit and imagine things forward, it may take months, more likely years, to resolve the many complexities of this situation.

Then, where will I be?

Where are we, now, with my Ethics Complaint resolving process, now in gear, forward motion accelerating?

I have submitted a substantial amount of detail about the personal and professional violations imposed upon me. My submission has been received, all in good order, and properly reviewed.

Now, personal contact has been established between myself and an Ethics Committee representative I believe I can trust.

Together she and I covered some very important ground at our Monday meeting.

Now what?  What next?

From my meeting with my Ethics Committee representative, options to approach the mess created by my abuser -- and -- find remedies for the damage, emerged.

The fact that my abuser is now deceased alters how we think, together, how to best proceed.

His death makes a vast difference, for sure!

There has been so much damage done to me, especially professionally. How can that be accounted for and remedied; so many issues to consider, so many facets and levels to the damage done?

My mind wearies itself considering them all!

Where will be the end of it all, especially that we are, now, only just beginning?

Aha! My writing and musing bring me release from my distress; cloudy skies!  

I must remember that writing is a path to healing and transformation for me; lead into gold, almost reliably!

Here’s what I think to do next ---

Today I think I'll put my body, mind and spirit into feeling the good earth beneath my feet, pay particular attention to the fragrance of the rain-washed plants and flowers growing in my garden, sit and watch the clouds overhead and rejoice in the sun when she peeks out her head.

Amaterasu they call her in Japan! 

The sun goddess who tried to hide herself away but returned anyway, with some strong urging, so the story goes.

Perhaps I will consider the Amaterasu in me that oftentimes has hidden myself away behind clouds. And feel my still weary self, peek herself out from her hidey hole.

As I write these words, I feel joy seep into my consciousness and my skin. And gratitude for whatever has led me here, to this moment.

Maybe my next steps will include great appreciation for the opportunity I now have, out of my pain and challenges, to serve others in ways, not formerly envisioned. through this effort of attempting to heal my personal distress.

And, maybe I can grow full enough and loving enough in my heart and soul to have great gratitude for my Ethics Complaint demands process that has brought me to this place where now I sit.

And the beautiful, kind and generous Ethics Committee representative who has met me at some metaphorical bus stop, intending to travel with me on this journey, upon which I am now embarking.

I think these latter ideas are those that might serve me well, today.

The rain has stopped, for now. 

Amaterasu is beaming from her high place in the sky!

Time for me to go outdoors and feel Light and G-d all around me to heighten my rejoicing.

Just for today!

Ethics Complaint Update: Yesterday I Had My First Meeting With The Representative Assigned To Directly Address My Complaint

The experience was superb! Even my best imaginings were surpassed.  

I would wish what I experienced for anyone filing an ethics complaint for sexual harassment and/or abuse and power abuse.

Of course, I’m upset about the personal and professional violations I endured, beyond words and measure. And by all that has been unleashed for me since that fateful day on which I discovered the documents that led to my Ethics Complaint filing. 

I have no idea where this all will take me now. 

However, my healing and liberation are primary! 

Ethics Complaint Filing Prompts
(Anastasia)
Partial Leave-Taking

Along with this, I know that my long-term, personal position about my abuser is: 

“I am not o.k. with what you did but…

I am pledged to – 

• Not linger in the darkness you brought into my life; 

• Forgive you, the actor, while I remain certain that your behavior was totally NOT O.K;

• Not forget the damage you did to my life and my career;

• Yet, when I reach my completion place for this sordid situation, I’m going to try to find a way through this that does not entirely trash you and the good you have also done, as I am aware that you did contribute much that was worthy.

I don’t want to be another Rose McGowan. Something wrenches inside of me whenever I hear or read of her. I understand her pain. I understand her need to speak out, as I do that of Aly Raisman and the many other victims of Larry Nassar; almost the worst of the abuse scenarios, for its sheer magnitude and collusions, if nothing else.

I understand victims. I have been one of them. I also understand and have experienced what it is like to be ignored, even victimized, severely, for attempting to stand up for yourself. So things get complicated in situations like this.

But holding on to a victim position mentality is not the pathway to healing and health I seek, even holding on, too long, to justifiable anger.  

This is what I mean when I say "fierceness is not enough!  I do nor yet know where the balance point is but I am certain I will want to find out.

Being in my Dark Side to fight darkness is not sufficient in my value system. 

"Darkness does not drive away darkness; only Light can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr. 

For myself, I am here to find the Light that will come with the healing, reconciliation, health and liberation, I am seeking!

I do not yet see how this destination will be reached. But I do know that darkness on my part, with revenge being one of its vehicles, is not what I seek.

Yet, I do seek justice to be done, on my behalf.

I am strong, I am wise. I know how to make healthy, success-based decisions. 

I am supported and cared for in my endeavors.

I am not alone in resolving this matter and I will come out, somehow, bettered for facing it and finding my path to healing.

Right now, strongly reinforced by my initial exchanges of the ITAA Ethics Committee Representative who is charged with assisting me through my personal issue process, I am putting my trust in the --

ITAA CODE OF ETHICAL CONDUCT that states as follows –

ITAA is dedicated to promoting the highest caliber of conduct among members providing contractual services across the four fields of transactional analysis specialization: counseling, psychotherapy, organizational, and educational training and consulting services.  

As an organization, the ITAA recognizes its social responsibility to set the ethical standards for all members in order to advance the welfare of society through common values and moral principles of mutual respect and ethical actions.  

Accordingly, the overall aim of this Code of Ethical Conductis intended to provide individual members of the ITAA with common moral principles, values, and a decision-making framework for identification and analysis of ethical dilemmas. 

I first invested in these ideals, many decades ago. 

Today, my faith is renewed and I am pledged to follow the dictates of the established procedures to which I have now submitted myself. In doing this I am not able to share any further details, on the matter, other than my personal experience of the process. 

This much I will continue to provide.

However, I now do trust that what I am seeking for myself out of the process, upon which I have now just begun; healing, reconciliation, health and liberation, is what the Ethics Committee will help me realize and my Ethics Committee Representative will help me steward!

What a relief!

I know somewhere and somehow in the future, I want good to come of this ordeal of mine – and others.  In this particular instance, for me, and, hopefully, ITAA.

What a model for other #MeToo survivors, personal relationships, groups and organizational situations, we just might be able to create out of this ordeal of mine!

Wouldn’t that be “loverly”?

Let us hope for the best while still being prepared for the worst, should it arise!

Update On "Before I Knew"

The statistics of reader preferences on this blog site alerted me that the article I wrote, titled "Before I Knew," has been a preferred article. Thus I was drawn to check it out, review it and consider updating it.

Once started with that process, I saw that there were many avenues of discussion presented in the original that, given the events that occurred, once I found my own sexual harassment and power-over abuse situation, truly need expansion and clarification, given the enhanced perspectives my own process has begun to illuminate.

And, only just begun to spotlight!

I am at the base of another mountain to climb, while, at the same time, I am at the peak of a separate, but connected one, as if my inner world, joined with the outer world, earth plane and beyond, is a whole chain of mountains to climb.

I have begun that process this morning but more will be added as my contemplation on the subject presented on that original post , "Before I Knew," evolves.

Check back for updates.

Ethics Complaint Update: Healing And Reconciliation Process In Beautiful Motion

Based on a copy of a text to Valerie, my TA colleague and friend of forty-five years. Modified to enhance blog reader’s clarity

Valerie,

OMG!  The process has now, officially, begun with the ITAA Ethics Committee rep who is to be my main support and guide through the process ahead, assisting me in resolving my Ethics Complaint. 

After only one week, already, I can see that this process is going to be soooo BIG, life changing as I thought it would be! 

Possibly one of the biggest things ever, in my life!

Last week things were accelerating so much and so rapidly, I was having trouble eating and sleeping – and – even functioning normally. 

I guess BIG things can’t really happen in a person’s life, being fully present to them, without ordinary, day-to-day life getting a bit off balance, at least for a while.

Today, after doing all kinds of things to calm myself down, I feel as if I were giving myself a pause to stand on the mountain peak I can reach from climbing up the back of our property, here, and trekking, for hours, across the ridge up top, to reach it.

The view is, in a way, technically speaking, part of my backyard.

From there, like in the picture, here, to the side, you can see for miles around and close up view the majestic confluence of the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers, as they meet in Harpers Ferry. Not even the flood disaster from which we are just recovering can spoil the marvel of it all.

I have been expecting this journey I am presently now beginning, praying each day for its start, since I submitted my Ethics Complaint. Backed up by all that is happening in our country and around the world, let loose by the Harvey Weinstein/Hollywood scandals and carried forth by the #MeToo movement, it is hard to wrap one’s mind around just how HUGE and transforming a experience it is in my life!

But what is happening here is not only for my life, but touching on the lives of hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of other women throughout the world. 

The vastness is almost unimaginable!

If one could view what’s happening from a cloud or in outer space, as the astronauts have done, you could almost see, feel and realize the Oneness of which we are all a part.

Already, in the doing, only just begun, what is happening, for me, is so much deeper than I imagined; so much higher and wider and deeper. 

And we've only just started!

So far the ITAA Ethics Committee rep assigned to me, who lives in the UK, and I have just interacted, by email, a handful of times to introduce ourselves to one another. In the weeks and months ahead (most likely a long term, ongoing conversation is now beginning to be established), she and I will interact a lot, using the WhatsApp app as she is there and I am here in the U.S..

Events of last week, one of the main ones being the contact established, put me into such an emotional and physical upheaval that I ended up stunned by the happenings. So much so that I spent five out of seven days unable to do hardly anything other than just sit and watch the trees and sky and earth.  

Not a bad way to help one heal, but even in the beauty I live in, a lot of the time I felt awful.

I am quite blessed to live on this sacred land where I am, but sometimes “awful” is just that, no matter where one is.

Yesterday was the pinnacle, waking up, not only being emotionally drained, but throwing up with an upset stomach for hours. Stress can do that to you, of course.

The stress of getting the things you have only dreamed of, yet truly believed you should have, can be disturbing, as you know.

More later.

Hold me, please, in your heart with love, as I know you do anyway.

Love Anastasia