Winner Survivors Are Compassionate Warriors

For a more complete discussion on Compassionate Warriors (Winner Survivors) and their antithesis, Dark Side Warriors (Loser Survivors), visit my Exploring Your Dark Side: The Adventure Of A Lifetime site.

I am remembering this morning how it was that I discovered the wisdom of these words of Viktor Frankl --

“Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

Kyle Stephens. 

In my story titled, “Discovering What Really Matters,” I share what is at the core of, perhaps, my greatest sorrow; I did not know, as a young mother, how to respect, nurture and show my love for one of my two most precious treasures, my daughter, Elisa. It took me decades of difficult, conscientious effort to learn what I did not know that so deeply wounded that child of mine.

How very much I wish I could do it over again. But the opportunity is passed.

I see the many times I hurt and betrayed my daughter -- in the poignant, painful reality of Larry Nassar’s abuse of innocent young girls, the same lack of resonance, as the Beloved, by the formerly unsullied girls that were his “patients.” 

Larry Nassar is evil! I was not evil. I was damaged by the emotional torture I experienced at the hands of a mentally ill mother.

Nonetheless, when love is betrayed, especially that of an innocent child, the wound goes far deeper than any other.

Perhaps, beyond the sexual violations experienced by Nassar’s victims and the dominance and control imposed upon them by Nassar, USA Gymnastics, the neglect and dismissal of the University of Michigan and the many coaches and other staff that ignored these girls – the greatest misdeed is how Larry Nassar traded in the currency of love; the love these girls, almost unanimously, had for him. 

I wish Larry Nassar the heartache that, hopefully, will come someday to him, if and when he begins to recognize his betrayal of the pure love of children. That kind of heartache comes to each and everyone of us who learns, at the deepest levels, from our errors. I wish him this lesson.

Larry Nassar is so evil, right now, he is not even in the real game of life.

Alongside him, Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein, to name a few of those most in the spotlight, are embodiments of the Dark Side Warrior; the warrior-type who does not only does not know how to truly love, but even to care.

Joseph Campbell, mentor of George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, commenting on Darth Vadar, described Vadar as an “unformed man.”

No man (or woman) who would impose himself/herself on an innocent has his/her humanness developed and intact. For, as Frankl suggests, with love being the “ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire,” only an unformed human can be the carrier of such depravities. 

On the other side of the coin, our beautiful athletes, many carrying the banner of the U.S. Olympic Team, model for us that which is the essence of the Compassionate Warrior; a determination to fight for what is right, backed by the pain of wounded love.

Warrior energies and actions, grounded in love are the opposite of warrior ways based on anything else! This is how the thrust for power, money, status, lust and so forth are bred!

Winner Survivor/Warrior Lessons

Heavy lifting is with me this morning as I wake up to an overcast day. The grey skies outside my window reflect the density I feel inside myself.

Alongside this I am reminded of these words of Helen Keller --

“One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.”

In my density I am inching along. Yet I am a person who is never content to merely crawl through my life. I feel at my best when I feel as if I am aloft, like in a hot air balloon, soaring above tree tops and mountains and rivers; high, high up.

I feel myself struggling to raise myself up this morning, to free myself to be airborne, to take flight in spirit, at least, while I remain grounded here on earth, managing the demands and details of situations that seem beyond my limited powers.

The Winner Survivor Paradigm

As I step back from the struggle, I recognize this as the work of alchemy; the turning of the lead of me into the gold I can be.

I am striving for my own Olympic Gold medal for living my life at its best.

But how do I reach this pinnacle today? If I can get up high enough,I can see farther and wider than I am able to do now. 

Soaring as I yearn to do allows me to create visions in my mind that transcend petty grievances. But how am I to achieve this now? For myself? With others?

I feel bound, intermittently, by a compulsion to check email in hopes I will discover the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs have concluded what I have been teaching for eons; lean in, lean in. 

This is the way up and beyond our trivialities.

So, what is mine to do here, I next ask myself?  If soaring is what I am after?

What is mine to do when it seems as if there is nothing for me to do here at all; here being the moving forward to the freedom of lifting the burden of an untold secret I have harbored for decades, by giving voice to the burden and telling my story.

I am after the Gold in this situation. But how do I get from here to there, I ask myself?

Reaching for wisdom beyond my own, my mind is soon drawn to the words of Viktor Frankl, noted psychiatrist and survivor of Holocaust death camps.

 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

This notion gets something moving inside of me; with the ITAA Ethics Committee I am, apparently, unable to have any effect. My best intentionned words seem to fall on deaf ears.

So how exactly do I do this here; change me to achieve a positive outcome? 

Hallelujah! 

I’ve got it!

I remember my Winner Survivor’s Paradigm! 

There it is; my TripTik out of this heavy lifting to the lightening of my load!

Yeah! 

I will follow my own advice. Not be attached to outcomes.

Take a cue from my heroines, the athlete victim/survivors of Larry Nassar, do the right things for me to do as they have modeled. That's what it means to be a “Winner Survivor Warrior.” 

Yet, I must not go beyond what is not mine to do.

And, just as there is a discipline required of gymnasts for succeeding at their objectives that is essential, especially under pressure, I, too, have a discipline for my success objectives; focus is one of the main ways in either situation.

For my focus, I now turn to my Winner Survivor Paradigm for a map to help me move forward on this chapter of the life journey I am on. 

“Just for today,” as they say in AA, I will allow my Winner Survivor Paradigm to guide me on my way.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, what then?

I might know how to soar from lessons learned today. Or, I might not. Still I will have my map and know, once again, at least, how to start.

Ethics Complaint: Two Weeks Later. Am I Being Ignored?

February 17, 2018

Note: The complete letter I sent to ITAA officials, referred to in this article, is now added today at the end of this piece.

Today marks two weeks, plus one day, since I responded, by email, to the Ethics Committee of the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA), the professional credentialing association to which I made my ethics complaint.

I am feeling disheartened.

Our exchanges to date include the following ..

January 9, 2018

Email post forwarded to me from ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs via San Francisco-based official of my initial contact.

Please tell the person to email us both directly BEFORE sending ANYTHING anywhere. This is primarily because before we receive or send details of potential complaints, we need to explain about needing assurances that any electronic correspondence will be treated with the utmost confidentially. Once we have a clear contract about this we will advise the person about the formal procedures to be followed.

My response

J, 

Thank you for getting this information to me. 

Before I respond to this request, however, on how to proceed, please tell me who these people are. I have built up a degree of trust and safety with you as a result of how you have been so caring of me and supportive. 

I am feeling very vulnerable regarding my Ethics complaint. It has taken a good bit of emotional fortitude for me to face what this is all about for me and to get all the pieces together for my documentation. They are all parts of my heart and soul as well as my many decades of professional training and experience. 

Now you are forwarding this to me from  totally unknown people. Additionally they are men. So I do not feel safe to just up and email them, especially about an issue having to so with male dominance and harm to me. 

Even their request to you of what I should do next felt only lawyerly. Not one iota of care for the person who is me and almost adversarial; not at all what I NEED to do my part here. 

All of a sudden, with this request\missive I feel my heart and soul and all I hold dear to be treated coldly like I am object. I am not able to proceed in this manner. 

Please advise me, from your heart and soul as a woman along with your innate practicality and wisdom. 

Right now I am feeling a bit like a rape victim that needs to "state her case" to a panel of police officers and judges, all male. 

With gratitude,
Anastasia 

No more was heard from these officials other than “J” assuring me that they were fine men and that it was, now appropriate for her to “get out of the loop.”

Feeling blocked in my efforts to pursue my ethics complaint, I consulted my lawyer for guidance, informing “J” of my intent.  On my end I am hoping that, even in this day and age of digitized everything there might be some small space for more of a touch of human connection here, especially in a delicate situation as this one.

Looking for options and win-win solutions, on January 11, I emailed the following, copied to the two ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs. (Complete text of my letter to follow, added on February 17. Scroll down to end of this article)

J, 

I did consult with my lawyer as I indicated I would. The advice I received has led me to suggest that since I am not readily able to comply, as I will explain below, to the direct request made by the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs, a reasonable counter suggestion might be agreeable and allow us to move forward on the matter at hand. I do hope this will be so!

"J" acknowledged receipt of this missive. Nothing was heard from the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs.

What is going on here?

I am asking an official ethics committee of a mental health-based organization to allow me to tell my story of sexual harassment by one of their top, long term credentialed therapists and trainers who retaliated against me for rebuffing him. I seek truth and reconciliation regarding the issue. 

I enter the situation, anticipating caring, compassion, support and guidance to manage a long-buried occurrence of harassment, believing that this organization, the International Transactional Analysis Association, based on the I'm O.K., You're O.K. principles of TA architect, Eric Berne, M.D. must truly be one of the most amenable associations for that win-win way of interacting to be our outcome. 

I have built my life and relationship principles and practices on these.

Might I be mistaken?

From the Ethics Committee I receive none of this, so far. Rather, what I receive feels adversarial. What to do? What to do?

Am I being rebuffed? 

In the value system upon which I base my life, the notion that telling one’s story is an act of healing is included. And, is often the first important step in the process of truth and reconciliation.

Listening to such stories is an act of love, I believe.  After a decades long career based on these principles, I don't know how to think differently, nor do I wish to, even in this age of the internet.

What is going on here? 

Is my story to be disrespected/disregarded?

Am I worth that little? And, my well being, as well?

In the meantime, feeling disoriented by these occurrences added to the overwhelm of my recent surgery, I pledged to myself that I would lighten my load by not being attached to any particular outcome from these actions of mine.  It is important, at least for another week or so, that I limit my heavy lifting. Instead, do my best to maintain serenity while I stay true to the values I cherish most.

I am including in this "no heavy lifting" practice, allowing myself to be easy about this ethics issue that is STRESSING ME OUT! 

In this I am challenged.

More to come.

February 17, below added.

To: J, IBOC
CC. ...
Re: Ethics Complaint
Date: January 11, 2018

Dear J et al,

I did consult with my lawyer as I indicated I would. The advice I received has led me to suggest that since I am not readily able to comply, as I will explain below, to the direct request made by the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs, a reasonable counter suggestion might be agreeable and allow us to move forward on the matter at hand. I do hope this will be so!

First allow me to stress that once I can feel safe and trusting of your Ethics Committee’s representatives -- and -- better informed, I will be available and eager to comply with your set procedures and standards. I am sure they are quite reasonable and will be amenable  which we can confirm once we are able to get pass this initial impasse.

The stumbling block we seem to have here, which actually baffles me that it should exist, especially among trained mental health professionals, as I am assuming the Ethics Committee  is made up of, is that I am unable to feel safe and trusting in the way I have been approached by your co-chairs. 

There is nothing wrong or inappropriate in what anyone did. And I am quite sure there is nothing intended here of that nature; certainly nothing personal regarding the Ethics Co-Chairs.  I feel quite certain all are of the highest integrity and intention and truly beautiful men. 

Rather this is a circumstance that is situational, based solely in me, I believe, born of the PTSD with which my Ethics complaint is associated. Also, the fact that I have experienced other significant discounting over the years from ITAA males regarding respect of emotions and other sexual harassments, not to me but witnessed by me, probably adds to my heightened sensitivity here.

Beyond the situational, the difficulty may be as simple as the fact that I am not a person who ever makes relationship connections by the internet. Since both G and A are totally unknown to me; my not even knowing anything about them, their professional background or even where they live, for me it is as if you are demanding I communicate by email with strangers on a traumatic situation I have even kept hidden from myself for twenty-five years!

For me here, without facial expressions and voice tones, among other human cues, I  might as well be relating to a robot. However, a robot is not one I would approach about the healing and reconciliation of a trauma.

Then, perhaps, my sensitivity  is amplified by the fact that, given the  neurological disability my eight years of blindness left me with (1998 – 2006), I become easily overwhelmed by incoming data, especially from the internet. To accommodate this limitation in me, I have a wonderful team of supporters who take up challenges for me when needed and transmit information to me in a modified way that I can manage at a relatively slower pace than most in today’s high tech world. As it stands now, after twelve years back to work after blindness, I can rarely even fill out everyday forms without assistance.

Added to these strictures is the  fact that I am bringing to the Ethics Committee  a serious sexual harassment and power abuse issue that, I believe, resulted in my leaving ITAA and losing out on my close to twenty-five years of training and supervision, on the way to becoming credentialed as a Teaching Member, in retaliation for my not succumbing to this harassment. All of which I had buried until last month. And, it gets worse beyond that with incidents of power abuse by male ITAA  mentors, as far back as the mid-1970s, reinforcing a culture of dismissing male sexual aggression.

How much more charged could the situation be for me?

Out of all of this, I am most grateful that the recent Harvey Weinstein/Hollywood/Matt Lauer scandals and the #MeToo movement have made it possible for me, along with countless others, to come forward and give voice to these long held traumas that have robbed each of us of rights and pleasures innately ours.

The fact that I had buried and hidden the trauma of all of this for close to twenty-five years and more, up until last month, finding the documentation I wish to send quite by accident, has, quite naturally, surfaced forgotten traumatic memories and emotions for me. In this regard I am no different from countless other women, now coming forward. And, I am truly feeling the effects of this.

Thus I believe that the fact that I feel a need, perhaps even an exaggerated one, related to my Ethics complaint here, is not surprising. So my alternative is to request that I have some kind of initial reassuring personal contact, as I did have with Janet, at least by phone, to get me started with your Ethics process.  In this way I believe I can connect with a person’s voice, if not the person themselves, so I can feel safe and trusting which should not be too much of a stretch.

People who are blind, or in my case have been blind for an extended time, often rely on voice sounds to manage their navigation through life. 

To discount this level of PTSD response in me, as it stands now, is as if we are in some kind of massive “Why Don’t You, Yes But” game. Your team is saying “Why don’t you just be a good girl and do what we tell you?” while I keep saying “Yes but I don’t feel safe and trusting to do that.” Then we go on to get the expected outcome – “no win” and negative emotions. Not the best way to begin a a working relationship!

So the main issue here is that, exaggerated as it may seem, I “feel” unable at this time to begin our connections with email, especially on this issue. Being pressured to go against that evokes feelings in me of throwing up and being paralyzed with fear; typical PTSD responses.  I need reassurance, instead, to trust and feel safe to address a delicate issue, stored trauma, let go of a huge secret, burdening me and bringing me to walking around what I could not even look at or speak until now.

My alternative suggestion is that someone on your Ethics Committee call me, preferably a female but not essential. I will likely get one of my staff/volunteers on the line also to hear what you are requesting of me and why it is required. No big deal, I would imagine.  Then we can proceed on to email.

Beyond this I do not see other options although I am open to them if you do.

With appreciation for your time and attention.

Anastasia Rosen-Jones
Executive Director
New Horizons Small "Zones of Peace" Project
Cell: 240.409.5347
.

Lightening My Load

It's been a hard week for me.  Heavy, heavy lifting in so very many ways.

I still tire easily from surgery. 

And although the weather has warmed, the nights are chill which, generally, means waking up to a cold house. My wood stove is certain to burn down to embers by morning, especially as I am still limited in bending and lifting which makes stacking the overnight wood load a bit more challenging than usual. 

So it’s harder to assure a warm house in the morning. With that, I am inclined to spend a longer time, gazing out my bedroom window at the trees in the mornings, the sky and the clouds that are visible, as I lay cozy under my down comforter, giving the fire recently fanned a bit more time to heat the house.

This is often my best time of day, anyway; the time when I am seeking the pin hole in the universe that opens the gates to vaster wonders than here on the earth plane.  So I don’t much mind this slowed down morning pace. I use it well.

Along with my other challenges these days, what has been getting me down most is that I have had no word back yet from the Ethics Co-Chairs of the association, the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA), to whom I am making my ethics complaint.

Initially two men who are the co-chairs, apparently, sent an email that was forwarded to me from the organization official I contacted at the outset, to begin the process. I was troubled somewhat by that forwarded message. It seemed cold and calculating; not at all giving me a sense that I would be treated caringly ahead. 

Courtesy dreamstime.com

Did that mean I was opening a door, with my ethics complaint, that would bring me the kind of victim blaming, organization-minimizing women, especially, so often encountered in registering grievances of this nature? 

Of course, responses such as these on the part of businesses and organizations will result in sexual assault victims holding back truths that need to be shared, if healthy milieus are to be sustained. However, this time, in the current climate of sexual assault scandals and the #MeToo movement, I was certain I would not back down, again! What else I might do, I didn’t yet know. 

Nonetheless, the initial response to me by these officials, the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs, put me on alert for a need to proceed with caution. I was stymied and scared by this, especially as the association representative , headquartered just outside San Francisco, who was my initial contact, was a very caring and compassionate woman. 

So after some serious contemplation on the matter, with much soul searching as to what to do next, and several professional consultations, I responded to the Ethics Co-Chairs, copied to my original contact, with a painstakingly careful email that I thought to be in a manner that would help us move forward, in spite of my initial discomfort.

It has now been over a week without my hearing further from these officials who, given my review of the ITAA Professional Practices and Ethics standards, I assumed would be working to support me through the process of my complaint.

How very odd and taken aback I am by this. 

However, I pledge to not become unduly reactive for my part of handling this process, unnerving as it is, already, at times, and, therefore, let my upset thoughts and feelings, on the matter, rest for a time. Thus allowing time for the ITAA Ethics Co-Chairs to exhibit their best intentions on my doorstep.

This is one way I am lightening my load. And, thankfully, circumstances around me are aiding this touch of emotional regeneration for which I am striving.

For example, in spite of both the emotional and physical exhaustion I am feeling at present, today I am especially uplifted by the courage, as well as vulnerability, I have been witnessing as I read about and, sometimes view, the victims of Larry Nassar present their impact statements in the court of his hearing.

Aly Raisman’s fierceness -- and – her clarity about, not only the abuses of Nassar, but those also of the organizations that enabled him, coupled with the pain, so visible in all these women and their family members in this case, is good medicine for me today.

When I wrote my piece a bit ago about Ms. Raisman’s book title, Fierce, suggesting that “Fierceness is not enough,” I was thinking that when the warrior is all that we display, without the balancing of the heart, we oftentimes can get ourselves off center. The Warrior generally has its energy base in the masculine. The vulnerable is more closely aligned with the feminine.  We need both; the feminine and the masculine aspects of each and everyone of us to make our way through our current challenges; be they social or political.

In this way we are best able to find that magical pin hole in the universe that opens the way to wonders, not so easily seen on this earth plane we inhabit. 

Today, therefore, I am also lightening my load by not being all about the fierceness of my inner warrior taking the lead in this complaint process, at least not today. But cutting myself some slack, by putting my serenity first, seeking the balance of both the male and the female in me, in what I hope will come out right for my next step.

Tomorrow I might shift to warrior mode. Then, again, I might not. To guide me, I think I am best off keeping my eye on that pin hole that opens my way to wonder, with a good dose of earth bound common sense for balance.

We'll see what happens. One thing, for sure, I need to avoid heavy lifting, at least for now.

Anastasia Files (Informal) Professional Ethics Complaint For Sexual Harassment And Power Abuse

The “item to not be named just yet” is now named. This is it –

Anastasia Files (Informal) Professional Ethics Complaint For Sexual Harassment And Power Abuse

Please send lots of Love and Light. 

Courtesy
www.free-movies-box.com

Getting to this place has been"heavy lifting;" way too much to manage easily, along with emergency eye surgery.

Details forthcoming!

But, first things first, I am needing some private time to sort myself out on this. 

I don't want what lies ahead to become more heavy lifting.

How to find balance in a world full of chaos, is one of the big questions?

More to come

How My Lifting Got So Heavy

Heavy lifting can be an actual physical stretch, or it can be a metaphor. I’m presently experiencing both.

On the metaphorical level there's more to my pressures of heavy lifting than I'm ready to say just now. I will refer to these as the “item to not be named just yet.” 

There is something HUGE brewing in my life, not unlike the Harvey Weinstein/Hollywood/Matt Lauer sexual harassment stuff.  But, first, I need to sort more of it out before I speak publicly of it; in private with my devoted supporters, like Sue.

But getting support is only one part of what I need to help me through the disorientation I am experiencing. I also need continued clarity of thought and increasing amounts of resilience in order to be able to sustain myself through whatever lies ahead; the ups and the downs. Perhaps most of all, I need to maintain my connection with the Source that I have that sometimes waivers. This I rely on most to guide me to my highest way of being.

Sue hauling wood at
our local sawmill that supplies us.

This is “heavy lifting!”

Especially while I’m also still healing, as I am now, from emergency eye surgery.

On the physical  level, though, picture it this way –

On the Friday before New Year’s Eve I ended up having an emergency cornea transplant; the details of which I will hold back for now. By the time I had returned home from Johns Hopkins Wilmer Eye Institute the following evening, snow had managed to cover the ground, making the drive home with my honorary daughter, Terry who had been with me throughout the ordeal, a bit challenging. Also the temperature had turned bitter cold. 

It was to remain that way, off and on, for, now, going on a month. 

Oh my, things were getting difficult!

Heavy lifting, up ahead!

It had been decided by my loved ones and myself that going home rather than elsewhere would be most comfortable and therefore healing for me. However, living in the mountains, as I do, and heating on wood, was to create quite a challenge, especially the wood heating part!

No bending and no lifting of objects over 15 pounds, I was told!

Not that I was much wanting to do these things anyway. 

Still the wood pile was going to be a fact of life for me – and a difficult one at that. 

In fact, my Spirit Sister Sue and I are quite diligent, from around August through March,  we do a substantial amount of hefting mountainous loads of wood to prepare for the cold winter months at both of our houses.

Anastasia on the woodpile

So, how was I to manage now without my usual physical strength -- on my own?

Imagine this, as to how I made it through that challenge -- 

Terry, dear daughter, actually came into my house, picked up my bathroom scale and started weighing slabs of wood to find the ones fifteen pounds and lighter. These she neatly stacked for me; some inside, some out, so that much of it could be reached waist high and above. 

Terry made it relatively easy for me that way. A few days later, Sue came and restocked the pile. 

In spite of this help, that’s when I became aware of heavy lifting!

With yesterday’s snow and cold weather, again, I am very much conscious of the heavy lifting and the no bending that healing from my eye surgery is demanding. Although I am now lifting up to twenty-five pounds of wood, it is the emotional lifting of the “item to not be named just yet” that is making me much more exhausted and disoriented these days.

For this the support of my friends to help me through is the hand up I need most right now. 

From this I gain the added strength I need for my “heavy lifting!”

With much gratitude for those who are helping me carry some of the weight!

Heavy Lifting

“OMG!,”said I, as my morning contemplation reminded me that the middle of January was approaching and I had barely contributed anything reasonable to my two main blog sites; New Horizons Small “Zones of Peace” Project and this one, Anastasia The Storyteller.

Now, how did that happen? 

I was writing like a screeching banchee, almost up until Christmas. Then shortly after, my writing efforts went dark.

Where had I gone, I asked myself, wandering around lost in reverie, once again up against that disheartening feeling of –

“Who am I in this place called life?”

The Harvey Weinstein/Hollywood/Matt Lauer scandals and the expanding #Metoo movement had raised a sense of renewed hope in me for possibilities, formerly unimagined, for a new way of being in the world, unfettered by the power-0ver dominance from male oppressors I had encountered, on occasion. Being controlled by these dark male influences had not been enough to rob me of completely, but enough still to have exacted heavy tolls in my life.

With the “Weinstein Effect” and its fallout propelling new kinds of actions from me, I had risked taking steps upward and onward to a level I had not previously envisioned; a place that only the momentum of recent, past months based on a collective force, especially from female quarters, could have produced.

But now a shutting down and feeling disoriented rolled in like a dense fog, prompting one more of those existential musings I come up against from time to time.  

Where was I?  Who else was here with me? And what was I to do next? 

What were WE to do next?

Experiencing myself lost in the dense forest of my existence, first I reached out for the pinhole in the universe that is my window to greater understanding.  The effort did not resolve my quandary. Next, I did what any woman who is blessed with a sister soul mate does, called up that sister of mine.

My goodness I am blessed to have her!

When I was a little girl and learning to wish upon a star, I wished for only two things; a piano or a baby sister. For a too long time I got neither. Well, actually I did have a baby sister but she died before I even laid eyes on her. And the piano never came at all.

Then, about twelve years ago  I met Sue deVeer . She became my long-lost, wished-for sister. 

No matter that she is of Dutch heritage, blond haired and Quaker to my Eastern European background, dark hair and Jewish! It’s the soul level traveling she and I share, along with New Horizons as our practical, down-to-earth work that has now bonded us together for the run of the show we call “this life.”

Talking to Sister Sue, receiving wise input from her, I soon realized that while I had been traveling one road on my soul’s journey, added to some earth walk pressures these past weeks, she had gone off on a bit of a different direction; just as I was moving into some critical spaces of my own. The Christmas and New Year’s holidays plus a new crisis with my eye and the extreme cold we soon faced in the early days of the new year exacerbated our distance.

Not only were immense changes going on in my life since last I had written regularly on my blog site, but I had, in some ways, separated on the soul level from my Spirit Sister Sue, which had somehow estranged me a bit from ME, along with disconnecting me from my writing. 

OMG! Strange how all these parts work together!

Thus I had been doing the heavy-lifting in my life --- all on my own, while she had been having her adventures apart from me.

As of today, however, we are back in sync again. Reaching out to Sue yesterday and this morning, too, did net me some added and much welcomed clarity about where I’ve been and why so few blogs; heavy lifting – alone -- is the answer! It just got too burdensome all alone; heavy lifting, too weighty over an extended time!

A lesson to be derived here, of course, is one I keep learning and relearning; there is a point where solo and alone with one’s Higher Power, though a powerful way to move through life, especially for an introvert such as I, is not always enough over the long haul.

We need other people to round out our edges and in other ways, too, such as the benefits of different viewpoints one cannot see on one’s own, if the broadest perspectives and options are desired.

On my own, I’ve been hauling quite a load on my shoulders of late. Not sharing the day to day intricacies of the effort has been an essential ingredient missing, I think. Enough so that I have been finding it easier to keep quiet, removed even from my blog writing; a state of being for me that almost always signals some kind of disconnect, not only from friends and family and  blog readers but, usually, also from myself, to some degree.

All this heavy lifting, which I think I can see, retrospectively, goes back, emotionally, to, at least,  just before Christmas – and – even further back to those momentous few days between the reporting of the sexual misconduct allegations of Harvey Weinstein by the New York Times on October 5, 2017 and the Ronan Farrow article in the New Yorker on October 10, 2017. There were many times Spirit Sister Sue was assisting me with the lifting, physically, while the emotional and spiritual had gotten lost between us.

So to take a word from Katie Couric who has, now, just begun to express her reactions to the Matt Lauer scandals, I had become “disoriented,” feeling, at times these days, that I had lost my way. My sense of direction, which had already been challenged, significantly, all of thie past year by the upheaval brought about by Trump’s election and his subsequent manner of handling our national affairs, was totally off course. 

Now, on the heels of the “Weinstein Effect” and its repercussions, I am sometimes confused; unable to find my way out of disorientation. Realizing this, now -- today, clarity, hopefully, can begin its return.

However, for the past weeks or so,  when something like Simone Biles revealing that she too had been victimized by that serial pedophile doctor of gymnasts, Nassar, my life felt as if had taken another hit from which I have not easily been bouncing back these days.

But staying still and quiet hasn't worked either as a hunger was growing in me that I, today, recognize as a need to connect with other women such as I have not experienced, perhaps, in decades.

I have been disoriented and lost at times. Other times I continued to feel liberated, seeing bright open skies above. Both have come and gone.

Sometimes, these days, I feel hamstrung by circumstances I am unable to manage to my liking, my frustration level, overwhelming. Other days I am excited by unimaginable possibilities that make me feel as if I could fly. That is before I take my next dip.

Above and beyond these ups and down, one element stands out for me; it is not my destiny to take flight all on my own, nor to sink into the potholes on the downside solo, completely, either.

I must travel, at least, part of my journey with others – BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!

That is why New Horizons is going to keep backing me up to revitalize our former, VERY SUCCESSFUL SUPPORT GROUP APPROACH, as far and as wide as we can in the coming weeks and months – and years, hopefully in tandem with many other BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN -- POWER IN OUR STRUGGLES! 

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN -- POWER IN OUR PAIN!

The evidence I am moving forward is here – my first blog post for 2018!

Too long coming, too little for my liking!

But, at last, I have found my voice, once again!