“Which tribe was that again, dear?”

Identity: Culture and Conflict

I phoned my friend Gloria the other day.

I talk to her often.

I am, apparently, an entertaining interlude during her more humdrum workday world as a county social worker.

We’ve been friends for almost a quarter of a century. She’s one of the best.

Gloria must truly love me.

Not infrequently, though said with a chuckle, she lets me know she is patiently tolerating my various eccentricities.

Often, she calls me“Portia,” star of a forties-era radio soap opera, “Portia Faces Life.”

Typically she begins a conversation, asking if I’ve been facing life.

A recent conversation went something like this:

Gloria: “So how’s Portia, today?

What’s new? Are you facing life?

Me: “Today’s episode is that I’ve returned to my tribe.

Gloria: “Your tribe dear?

Did you move?

Aren’t you still up in the mountains?

Do you have some kind of tribe up there?

Me: Of course, I’m still in the mountains.

I just talked to you two days ago.

And, no! There’s no tribe up here yet.

(Me: referring to our retreat center development vision and our (in progress) remodeling project.)

What I’m talking about is that I decided, after immersing myself in prayers over the Jewish High Holidays, to officially return myself to my birth tribe; the one that came out of Egypt with the exodus.

Remember that one?

Gloria: Yes, dear. I know that one. I told you I once worked for a Jewish foundation in the Bay area way back when.

(Gloria, just celebrated her eighty-fifth birthday. She has lots of stories about “way back when.”)

Gloria (continuing): So which division of your tribe are you returning to?

The Orthodox? The Conservative? Or, the Reform?

Me: I don’t mean returning like that!

As far as religion goes, I am not joining a club. Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, those are religious clubs.

I consider myself a member of everything and nothing.

Like Ram Dass, if you remember him, I’m something you might call a pagan, Hind Jew or whatever?

Now that I’ve gotten my identity confusion cleared up, my interest is in honoring, celebrating and sharing my Jewish cultural heritage. And, doing my part for peace.

Gloria: “How’s it going so far for you?”

Me: “Well, it’s a bit mixed. I told a few of my friends (a few of the very few who are Jewish) about my newfound joy in being Jewish again.

They wanted me to hurry up and join their synagogue.

Then I told a Christian friend. She wanted to be sure that, even if I am born Jewish, that I believe in Jesus and get baptized.

By the time these conversations were over, I felt like I was back in sorority rush in college.

Like my vote was being solicited for a political election, with heavy penalties for not taking the “right” side.

I can see this returning I am intent upon is going to be a bit tricky.

I think it’s time I had some fun being Jewish.

But it might be a lot of work, just taking off my mask, the one that denies that I am Jewish.

To be continued…

Separation

Identity: Culture And Conflict

It has taken me thirty years or more to remember why and how it was that I had turned my back on Judaism.

There really was nothing much I could put my finger on.

(Dummie Me -- More recently I came to realiuze that a rabbi's ongoing sexual harrassment of me for fourteen years of my adult life had played a major part in my turning my back on Judaism. But it was not the only reason; spiritual seeking in the 70s, 80s and 90s had also played important roles as did my many upsets about the Middle East.

The story of my being a former anti-Semitic, recovcrying Jewish American Princess is a complex story. However, now as I become more and more accustomed to sharing my story and hearing the tales of others, it's even developing some humor.) 

I wondered about it on occasion. Yet, not enough to pursue.

Still, it was a bit curious.

Why had I, born and reared in a quasi-Orthodox Jewish family, reached a place of such intense disavowal of this heritage of mine?

To the point that – as my non-Jewish connections grew -- I became staunchly adamant that not only was I NOT a Jew. I was, further, an anti-Semite!

I didn’t really question my stance (though others did, now and then).

Somehow – I simply became less and less interested in Jews and Jewishness.

So much so that, over time, I believed none of it mattered anymore.

Time passed. I became an eclectically spiritual person, more pantheistic than anything, exploring Buddhism and neo-paganism in particular, not recognizing any missing link in my spirit.

Others around me, Jews and non-Jews alike, were doing similarly.

It was, after all, the '80s by then. I developed fewer and fewer Jewish friendships.

Over time, I came to respect the generic Jewish person and his/her apparent values less and less, particularly the monied and status-oriented ones.

These appeared akin to those of my family that I experienced as excessive. I didn’t “approve” of the immoderation.

This, too, fit in with the evolving mentality of my generation.

Though I tried to ignore my feelings they didn’t go away. Instead, they went underground, buried beneath the surface of my conscious mind. Accessible, only if I would have been willing to take a deeper look. I resisted any inclination to do this. I understand this now.

Years passed. Because I was, also, during this time devoting my time to my almost constant book deadlines (ten years (1988 – 1998, writing my three manuscripts for Random House) -- and -- then lost my eyesight (1998 – 2003), I created a very solitary life for myself.

And, believed that this, too, was fine. Of course, 911 made a profound impact on me.

However, because I could only see as if through waxed paper, much of what was happening around me did not penetrate. I couldn’t really watch the news.

And, I interacted with others only slightly. Then one day -- in 2006 – as I was still at the beginning of my return to the mainstream world of sighted people, I realized that I had amends to make to my Jewish heritage.

Separation was not truly an option I could condone any longer in myself.

In fact, I began to see that in order to fully re-engage in mainstream life, I would need to sort out where I stood with this Jewish heritage of mine.

Somehow 911 had made this an imperative.

No longer would it work for me to “pass” in American life without this clarity. At least, not as me; the social activist I had become over the years.

To do this I needed to turn towards Judaism, not away from it.

Without my fully recognizing my intent, I, thus, set out on a journey that would lead me to investigate, not only my separation, but to discover for myself – for the first time -- what I value most about my cultural identity, both as an American and as a Jew. To be continued…

Former Anti-Semitic, Recovering Jewish American Princess

Returning to my "tribe" and to my blogs.

(Also see New Horizons Small "Zones Of Peace" Project.)

Seeking "elegant solutions" and how can I/we now best contribute.

My working formula -- a balancing act.

1, Defining who and what I am for myself and others;

2. Discovering the best ways for me to be true to myself (and my values) -- and -- to others;

3. Seeking ways to be true to myself, kind and generous to others --- and handle myself in a non-reactive manner.

Seeking elegant solutions.

A work in progress.

More to come.

The Essence Of Awe

Immersing myself fully in the rituals and prayers of the Jewish New Year for the first time as I have not done in decades, I re-discovered that the "Days of Awe' and the "Days of Repentance" are the same days.

Awe = Repentance (and compassion and forgiveness (and all other of life's holiest and most beautiful gifts).

L'shana tova -- May we all be inscribed in the book of the Lord for a good year to come.

Because "The Cycles of My Healing Journey" are rooted in my Jewish heritage and the healing and wholeness I have learned in this way, I offer them here in completed form by way of celebrating the Jewish New Year, 5771.

The Cycles of My Healing Journey -- Complete (Parts 1 - 3)

by Anastasia Rosen-Jones, New Horizons Executive Director and Founder (Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc. Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons Support Network” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

Many of us, today, finding ourselves standing on the threshold of a new era, the 21st Century, are reviewing the past, present and future more conscientiously than, perhaps, ever before.

For me, the process of doing healing work has as its normal structure the implementing of reviews on a regular basis such as are currently being signaled by the new millennium. A healing process such as I am suggesting here begins with the identification of some kind of obstruction in the way of experiencing joy, fullness and the well being of one”s Essence.

From this starting point of recognition, the healing process adventurer begins a descent much like a deep sea diver into the very depths of the psyche, moving down through layers of defense: anger, terror and gut wrenching pain until at last the Essence is retrieved.

This is the sought after treasure that has been buried on the floor of the sea. Much to our delighted surprise, the rediscovery of the Essence carries with it even greater treasure than itself alone. With its resurfacing, a powerful sense of enlightenment, almost a jolt of knowingness, the experience of one’s Higher Self and a vast Cosmic Consciousness accompanies the cycle’s completion.

At this point the, the healing process journeyer is aware of the cycle’s culmination, accompanied by a significant shift into a state of well being. A powerful release of energy, formerly bound up, is now free for the individual to employ in new and creative ways.

I periodically find myself called to enter a healing cycle beginning with a significant loss or a major life transition that evokes a review of my past and present circumstances. The completion of such cycles, which have taken me anywhere from 1 months to five years of healing and cleansing, is generally marked by a definitive sense of rebirth.

The process offers me the necessary signposts for identifying the next steps I must take on my forward path of conscious evolution. This work creates not only an emotional and spiritual transformation, but also brings about significant physical changes down to the cellular level in my body.

The first time I set aside a period of time for healing of this type was after my father’s death in July, 1976. Guided by the wisdom of my stepmother, the journey was structured to comply somewhat with Jewish mourning rituals.

With additional guidance from one of my Transactional Analyst Clinical Trainers, Reverend Jim Morgan, I integrated what I was learning about confronting psychological obstacles with Jewish traditions (for mourning).

Little did I realize at the time I began that my efforts to manage the unexpected death of my father, my life’s hero, would transform my life forever more.

I began my most recent systematic review around Labor Day, 1999 following a corneal transplant. The events of the past year had created enough upheaval to signal the need for me to enter a cycle of attention focused on a major body-mind-spiritual healing and cleansing. From the onset, I committed myself to completing this in-depth passage by December 31, 2000.

Not everyone will choose to take the afforded opportunity of life altering situations for personal transformation. The choice to proceed on an “Adventure of A Lifetime” is a vary personal one with many influencing factors.

Having been exposed to severe loss and tragedy, beginning at the early age of seven, I saw the debilitating results of incomplete healing work that accrued in my family, following the birth and death of my baby sister.

When I finally discovered the advantages that could be gained by an in-depth healing of losses, I knew I would never again fall victim to having the joy of life disturbed indefinitely as a result of pulling back from a passage that ultimately could transform my losses into lessons and gifts.

Reflections, Day 9: Days of Awe, Days of Repentance

Eve of Yom Kippur

A note to my parents.

After I wrote my story of "Mom's" introduction to my new pagan identity of decades ago -- a wave of sadness came over me (so go the Days of Awe (and Repentance).

A piece of incomplete repentance due my Mom.

I was a challenge to her as the new bride of my father. And, ever after I'm sure.

This I've known, it seems, forever.

But now with more understanding and compassion than previously. I hadn't -- though -- until this moment felt the remorse of seeing in part -- how much sorrow it must have brought her.

And, the other elders of my family.

To see their next generation being so changed by the American way of life.

To havc seen people being tortured and murdered for a way of life -- their own -- and a heritage that the next generation -- mine -- could toss aside, as if almost a joke.

My pagan altar must have cut deeply into that place in my mom's mind, body and soul that remembered needing to hide the practices of Jewish traditions in a Shanghai, Jewish refugee camp (1939 -- 1945).

For my disregard, disrespect and insensitivity to that reality, up against my struggles to find me, I am sorry, Mom. Very sorry!

Somewhere there is a quiet resting place where the journey of immigrant Americans and assimilated Americans find healing and peace.

Maybe we are already there -- in "awe," Mom.

It was what you did with me my whole life after you came into it -- talk, have endless conversations.

That's what both you and Dad taught me! Conversations!

Now I teach that to others, Mom.

Talk things out!

Everything!

For always!

And, hold to your dignity and principles with it.

Simple, but not so easy.

Thanks Mom and Dad!

Only when and where we failed to take this action did things ever go awry.

I'll keep passing it on.

You taught me well; the secret to building "zones of peace," even if it takes a long, long time.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to learn.

The Cycles of My Personal Healing Process

Day 8 Part 3 of 3 parts (Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc.Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons SupportNetwork” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

I began my most recent systematic review around Labor Day, 1999 following a corneal transplant. The events of the past year had created enough upheaval to signal the need for me to enter a cycle of attention focused on a major body-mind-spiritual healing and cleansing. From the onset, I committed myself to completing this in-depth passage by December 31, 2000.

Not everyone will choose to take the afforded opportunity of life altering situations for personal transformation. The choice to proceed on an “Adventure of A Lifetime” is a vary personal one with many influencing factors. Having been exposed to severe loss and tragedy, beginning at the early age of seven, I saw the debilitating results of incomplete healing work that accrued in my family, following the birth and death of my baby sister.

When I finally discovered the advantages that could be gained by an in-depth healing of losses, I knew I would never again fall victim to having the joy of life disturbed indefinitely as a result of pulling back from a passage that ultimately could transform my losses into lessons and gifts.

The end.

The Cycles of My Personal Healing Process

Day 7 Part 2 of 3 parts
(Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc.
Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons Support Network” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

I periodically find myself called to enter a healing cycle beginning with a significant loss or a major life transition that evokes a review of my past and present circumstances.

The completion of such cycles, which have taken me anywhere from 1 months to five years of healing and cleansing, is generally marked by a definitive sense of rebirth. The process offers me the necessary signposts for identifying the next steps I must take on my forward path of conscious evolution. This work creates not only an emotional and spiritual transformation, but also brings about significant physical changes down to the cellular level in my body.

The first time I set aside a period of time for healing of this type was after my father’s death in July, 1976. Guided by the wisdom of my stepmother, the journey was structured to comply somewhat with Jewish mourning rituals. With additional guidance from one of my Transactional Analyst Clinical Trainers, Reverend Jim Morgan, I integrated what I was learning about confronting psychological obstacles with Jewish traditions (for mourning). Little did I realize at the time I began that my efforts to manage the unexpected death of my father, my life’s hero, would transform my life forever more. (To be continued.)