But What About Me?

Where do I stand, personally, in the midst of this Ethics Complaint process, just for me, myself, all about me?

I have done my best to comply with each and every demand placed on me by those in control of the process.

I have done my best, within the limits imposed on me, to speak truth to power in the most diplomatic manner I know to do; not allowing myself to sink too deeply into viewing "them" as having power over me. 

Goddess Amaterasu, please shine on me
and see me through my cloudy and dark times.

Instead recognizing and holding to my belief that, other than the  power of the Unknowable, the ultimate power for my life is ME!!

Having done all this, including countless hours meditating and talking to Sue, my BFF, to get emotional support and keep a clear mind, still I feel wrung out like a wet dishcloth, now, after having had my first -- and very fine-- Ethics Complaint person-to-person meeting.

So, what about me?

One thing is certain; there is no business as usual in my life, any longer!

My Ethics Complaint process has become all-consuming, as evidenced by my new professional status, described in this post, New Horizons Executive Director’s Ethics Complaint Filing Prompts Partial Leave-Taking, for the non-profit organization, New Horizons Support Network, Inc., I founded and head. 

No wonder I feel wrung out.

With all this behind me -- and -- the potential for more flooding again this week hovering over our local area, where am I today?

Sitting in the sacred space in the place I call my indoor garden, employing some of my meditation tools, to help keep me grounded, clear and balanced, feeling wrung out like a wet dishcloth!

I reach back in my mind, surveying the landscape I have covered since that fateful day, late in December when I found the documents, that have brought me to today.

What am I now, with this, my recent past?

Am I wiser, more energetically refined? Healthier?

More whole?

I think not. At least not yet!

At best I am at the peak of being a work in progress; my Ethics Complaint resolution a process in expanding motion.

From where I sit and imagine things forward, it may take months, more likely years, to resolve the many complexities of this situation.

Then, where will I be?

Where are we, now, with my Ethics Complaint resolving process, now in gear, forward motion accelerating?

I have submitted a substantial amount of detail about the personal and professional violations imposed upon me. My submission has been received, all in good order, and properly reviewed.

Now, personal contact has been established between myself and an Ethics Committee representative I believe I can trust.

Together she and I covered some very important ground at our Monday meeting.

Now what?  What next?

From my meeting with my Ethics Committee representative, options to approach the mess created by my abuser -- and -- find remedies for the damage, emerged.

The fact that my abuser is now deceased alters how we think, together, how to best proceed.

His death makes a vast difference, for sure!

There has been so much damage done to me, especially professionally. How can that be accounted for and remedied; so many issues to consider, so many facets and levels to the damage done?

My mind wearies itself considering them all!

Where will be the end of it all, especially that we are, now, only just beginning?

Aha! My writing and musing bring me release from my distress; cloudy skies!  

I must remember that writing is a path to healing and transformation for me; lead into gold, almost reliably!

Here’s what I think to do next ---

Today I think I'll put my body, mind and spirit into feeling the good earth beneath my feet, pay particular attention to the fragrance of the rain-washed plants and flowers growing in my garden, sit and watch the clouds overhead and rejoice in the sun when she peeks out her head.

Amaterasu they call her in Japan! 

The sun goddess who tried to hide herself away but returned anyway, with some strong urging, so the story goes.

Perhaps I will consider the Amaterasu in me that oftentimes has hidden myself away behind clouds. And feel my still weary self, peek herself out from her hidey hole.

As I write these words, I feel joy seep into my consciousness and my skin. And gratitude for whatever has led me here, to this moment.

Maybe my next steps will include great appreciation for the opportunity I now have, out of my pain and challenges, to serve others in ways, not formerly envisioned. through this effort of attempting to heal my personal distress.

And, maybe I can grow full enough and loving enough in my heart and soul to have great gratitude for my Ethics Complaint demands process that has brought me to this place where now I sit.

And the beautiful, kind and generous Ethics Committee representative who has met me at some metaphorical bus stop, intending to travel with me on this journey, upon which I am now embarking.

I think these latter ideas are those that might serve me well, today.

The rain has stopped, for now. 

Amaterasu is beaming from her high place in the sky!

Time for me to go outdoors and feel Light and G-d all around me to heighten my rejoicing.

Just for today!