For me, the past weeks, since last I wrote, have often felt as if my whole self is trying to bury itself in a tin trash can. Trying to escape? From what, I ask myself?
Part of the problem has been that some people, such as my cell phone providers, know I’m in there and have been, based on their agendas, beating on my place of concealment, like a drum. The noise has been deafening!
Oh dear, the racket being made as I have, no matter the obstacles, kept trying to lift myself to some higher place where the incessant noise of the transformation I am undergoing might stop for awhile!
But on many days, recently, it seemed as if the banging would never, ever stop!
What has it been, truly, that has been feeling like ceaseless drumming on my head; on my whole being, in fact?
A combination of things, I surmise, again, not the least of it, my cell phone service and providers; two of them A T and T and Verizons in the foray with me, each with their own agendas for me.
A blessing, as well as a liability for whatever has been amiss, is that I also typically see things of an interactional level that others often overlook and am thus often extra impacted due to my sensitivities. I miss things too. Thus my ongoing, daily transformational practices demand discipline to keep me on a straight path.
These past weeks have required inordinate discipline via meditation. So I have, to still the banging, needed to meditate/contemplate for as much as six hours a day. Obviously this is why my hours for New Horizons had to be cut back so drastically.
OMG!! Oh dear! Oh dear!
One of my meditation sources that I have relied on for more than thirty years, the I Ching, tells me that I am in the midst of a major, major life transformation over which I have no control.
Sounds right to me.
Another message of the I Ching tells me that I must keep pressing forward through whatever obstacles present themselves. After all, this is what a Shaman must do; face into whatever seems dark and keep pushing through to the Light. As I’ve said before, being blind made a Shaman of me. So here it is, one more Shaman’s death test in my life, in the form my Ethics Complaint has taken.
On the other side of the troubles – and believe me, there have been almost ceaseless troubles for me, going through my Ethics Complaint process, the I Ching reminds me, will be a revealing of personal potentialities, long underdeveloped. This too sounds right to me.
So press on I do, night and day, weekends too! The effort has been almost non-stop!
Yet I wonder, might the banging actually be coming from inside of me?
Reality suggests the contrary; the banging is coming from both inside me and out. I, likely, could not cause all this pressure by myself.
So here lies the explanation, I think ---
My intuitive, visionary wisdom suggests that I am on a path, maybe a fork in the road, where I am choosing the high way, leading me into a conjunction between formerly unused parts of me, pushing forward for a liberation I’ve not known before, coming up against forces that seem as if they would prefer to keep me low.
My Ethics Complaint process, as it stands today could be imagined to be such a dark force, by the scared, anxious part of me. However, on this I am truly trusting, most of the time, that we, the Ethics Committee and myself, are still moving forward on a good path though feeling good is hardly how I would describe what is happening now that I am bound to keep confidential!
The demands of this confidentiality are hard for me too, a real killer when it comes to my much caring and support, right now, as so far the Ethics C0mmittee has offered little!
Thank Goddesses for the great network of comfort and clarity I have on my own!
I have no idea how I could by managing all this, without!
Yesterday, however, the banging on my head stopped, for the moment, leaving me uncertain, other than conjecture about what has been causing the constant drumming that has felt so ferocious. With this pause, however, I am finally able to write some about where I’ve been while you haven’t been hearing from me.
For more of the back story that is likely responsible for my banging on the head experience, check out this blog on the New Horizons Small “Zones of Peace” site for more details.
To my mind, as I wrap up this post to you, it seems that dealing with my cell service might have been enough to pound on my head, especially tech dummie that I am, all on its own.
But add that to my Ethics Complaint process, as it now stands, and there is real cause for a sane kind of transformational craziness!
Hoping to be back with you soon.
Anastasia
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