My Could, Would and Should -- Speaking Tangle

Maybe you will relate to this that I am offering at this juncture, maybe not. But here goes anyway though it feels really risky!

Author's note: After a rather sleepless night I decided this morning to take this article down, at least temporarily. It occured to me that in offering the following reflections I was, perhaps, inviting the general public into my private world to an extent that might harm me. 

However, after pulling the article back out into draft form I discovered that one of my loyal readers had been signfiicantly impacted by what I had written, leaving me a thoughtful and supportive comment. When I read the comment I realized that my main objective in writing this blog had been achieved in this instance. This site has always been about expressing myself to whomever, often as a storyteller, as my small contribution to helping make a better world.

Thus the reader's comment reminded me of words derrived from the Talmud, "To redeem one life is to redeem the world." With that in mind I am, once again, sharing the following reflections with the hope that my "risky behavior" here might just make a difference to someone else, somewhere.  If it does it would be lovely to know that.

P.S. If you have any doubts about the legitimacy of this post and its relevance to our chaotic world, I encourage you to view the movie of "Tommy, The Rock Opera" for a jolt related to how I "see" the subject matter below.

It was just this past week; barely three weeks after my seventh cornea transplant when it hit me like a lightning bolt striking a darkened room, that for most of the years of my dealing with the challenges of my eye disease, keratoconus, I have been overlooking the fact that I have actually been managing two overlapping eye problems, not just one!

Then it struck me even more pointedly that hysterical blindness might have actually always been the precipitating one behind the other, keratoconus. Having now considered this notion as a valid possibility, I find myself facing the age-old question of which came first; chicken or egg?

A question I will no more be able to definitively answer correctly than the egg-chicken query.  Thus I am stuck with making up my own mind on the subject, on my own, based almost solely on my estimations.

What to do? What to do, especially in terms of making this issue relevant to me now, at this stage of my game?

Nonetheless, as I prefer relative certainty rather than complete indecision in charting a path for myself, I decided to create a working hypothesis as I had been taught as a psychotherapy student for my “treatment plan” (me client, me healer) and see where it will take me.

(Fortunately, two people of significance have come onto my daily landscape to “be in this adventure with me.” They will be a great help in assisting me in clarifying my theory, the one I have elected to consider as the true source of my eye problems. Thank G-d for fellow travelers.)

Here is the theory I have chosen as the “one” for now. --

I was born with a biological predisposition for keratoconus (i.e. hereditary/genetic), set in motion and heightened, from day one of my life, by my emotional, psychological, spiritual sensitivity to certain, very specific stimuli. (More details on this later when I can get my words and thoughts together to share.)

Does this mean that a predilection always existed in me for developing keratoconus, based on factors other than biology, that might even be traceable back to past lives should they, in fact, exist in reality?

Today I am certainly willing to consider this. I have to be honest with you! All possibilities are being examined.  My well-being warrants the effort!

Oiy veh!

But how can I ever know the truth for certain? And what difference does it make anyway to ponder that which is unlikely to ever have proof? Certainly my doctor at Johns Hopkins will is likely to dismiss my "theory."So now what?

With my personal imperatives in mind, however, I have decided to move forth from here, at least for a time, acting “as if” I had answers. 

From this vantage point I intend to alter certain life perspectives that I have allowed myself to hold as truths since my initial keratoconus diagnosis as a junior in college, and will operate under the assumption that what has been showing up physically has to have had its roots in my emotions, psychology and spirituality, not the other way around.

Over are the days of my viewing keratoconus as hanging over my head like a rain cloud  completely as a medical problem. Now I will proceed as if my emotions, psychology, and spirituality hold the reins to my physicality and its healing. But what difference will that make?

And why hadn’t I considered this earlier? Why and how did I not allow the serious taking of this issue into account and instead ignored it when I might have known better, especially with my psychology background being as extensive as it is? 

Certainly the idea was important enough for reflection much earlier.

I have had so much evidence to support what I am now only newly embracing; a lifetime of clues minimized, it seems. What if this "theory" as truth has been there all along with me overlooking the obvious?  Would it have made a difference somehow in how I have managed my life?

What will my new approach reveal? I am opening my mind, my heart and, of course, my eyes to seeing what will be unearthed from the depths of my psyche on this issue.

Here is my first discovery!

I may have always, even back centuries (Could it be? Could it be?) not been unable to see what I see but became so threatened by trusting what my eyes and my higher vision have shown me that my inner turmoil was about speaking, especially truth to power. Thus, in effect, I muzzled myself, passively creating a non-reality for myself based on ...what?

Should I have, could I have, would I have, risked, up against the threat of grave dangers, sharing that which I perceived from a limited view of the world? When I knew that others might, potentially, react against my view; enough so that my spoken words might endanger my safety?  

Was blinding myself, thus a safer option? An option I hid my authentic self behind? And all I could muster to see me through the peril I anticipated? (Such as a witch being burned at a stake might do?)

I am going to pursue my investigation of this idea as I strengthen, day-by-day, my intentions, backed up by new actions to speak truth to power everywhere I deem it necessary and/or appropriate; albeit in a timely fashion and diplomatically to the best of my ability.

Perhaps now is the hour for all lies, denial and discounting; the three prongs of human functioning that foster non-reality thinking and behaving in this world, to pass away, not only mine but from each and everyone of us. As a friend remarked, not long ago, the worldwide web has brought us to a place where lying and deceit can no longer hide.

If so, maybe there was no earlier time for my liberation until now. It was what it was but it doesn’t need to continue!

So – my immediate task will be to keep examining, on a regular basis, the “could, the “would” and the “should” of my saying what I see. But it sure feels scary to me – along with the new found freedom I am already experiencing – and – some unexpected fun!

I’ll let you know how it goes with hopes you, too, are getting better and better at speaking truth to power in health-affirming ways. We can learn together.