Former Anti-Semitic, Recovering Jewish American Princess

Returning to my "tribe" and to my blogs.

(Also see New Horizons Small "Zones Of Peace" Project.)

Seeking "elegant solutions" and how can I/we now best contribute.

My working formula -- a balancing act.

1, Defining who and what I am for myself and others;

2. Discovering the best ways for me to be true to myself (and my values) -- and -- to others;

3. Seeking ways to be true to myself, kind and generous to others --- and handle myself in a non-reactive manner.

Seeking elegant solutions.

A work in progress.

More to come.

The Essence Of Awe

Immersing myself fully in the rituals and prayers of the Jewish New Year for the first time as I have not done in decades, I re-discovered that the "Days of Awe' and the "Days of Repentance" are the same days.

Awe = Repentance (and compassion and forgiveness (and all other of life's holiest and most beautiful gifts).

L'shana tova -- May we all be inscribed in the book of the Lord for a good year to come.

Because "The Cycles of My Healing Journey" are rooted in my Jewish heritage and the healing and wholeness I have learned in this way, I offer them here in completed form by way of celebrating the Jewish New Year, 5771.

The Cycles of My Healing Journey -- Complete (Parts 1 - 3)

by Anastasia Rosen-Jones, New Horizons Executive Director and Founder (Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc. Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons Support Network” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

Many of us, today, finding ourselves standing on the threshold of a new era, the 21st Century, are reviewing the past, present and future more conscientiously than, perhaps, ever before.

For me, the process of doing healing work has as its normal structure the implementing of reviews on a regular basis such as are currently being signaled by the new millennium. A healing process such as I am suggesting here begins with the identification of some kind of obstruction in the way of experiencing joy, fullness and the well being of one”s Essence.

From this starting point of recognition, the healing process adventurer begins a descent much like a deep sea diver into the very depths of the psyche, moving down through layers of defense: anger, terror and gut wrenching pain until at last the Essence is retrieved.

This is the sought after treasure that has been buried on the floor of the sea. Much to our delighted surprise, the rediscovery of the Essence carries with it even greater treasure than itself alone. With its resurfacing, a powerful sense of enlightenment, almost a jolt of knowingness, the experience of one’s Higher Self and a vast Cosmic Consciousness accompanies the cycle’s completion.

At this point the, the healing process journeyer is aware of the cycle’s culmination, accompanied by a significant shift into a state of well being. A powerful release of energy, formerly bound up, is now free for the individual to employ in new and creative ways.

I periodically find myself called to enter a healing cycle beginning with a significant loss or a major life transition that evokes a review of my past and present circumstances. The completion of such cycles, which have taken me anywhere from 1 months to five years of healing and cleansing, is generally marked by a definitive sense of rebirth.

The process offers me the necessary signposts for identifying the next steps I must take on my forward path of conscious evolution. This work creates not only an emotional and spiritual transformation, but also brings about significant physical changes down to the cellular level in my body.

The first time I set aside a period of time for healing of this type was after my father’s death in July, 1976. Guided by the wisdom of my stepmother, the journey was structured to comply somewhat with Jewish mourning rituals.

With additional guidance from one of my Transactional Analyst Clinical Trainers, Reverend Jim Morgan, I integrated what I was learning about confronting psychological obstacles with Jewish traditions (for mourning).

Little did I realize at the time I began that my efforts to manage the unexpected death of my father, my life’s hero, would transform my life forever more.

I began my most recent systematic review around Labor Day, 1999 following a corneal transplant. The events of the past year had created enough upheaval to signal the need for me to enter a cycle of attention focused on a major body-mind-spiritual healing and cleansing. From the onset, I committed myself to completing this in-depth passage by December 31, 2000.

Not everyone will choose to take the afforded opportunity of life altering situations for personal transformation. The choice to proceed on an “Adventure of A Lifetime” is a vary personal one with many influencing factors.

Having been exposed to severe loss and tragedy, beginning at the early age of seven, I saw the debilitating results of incomplete healing work that accrued in my family, following the birth and death of my baby sister.

When I finally discovered the advantages that could be gained by an in-depth healing of losses, I knew I would never again fall victim to having the joy of life disturbed indefinitely as a result of pulling back from a passage that ultimately could transform my losses into lessons and gifts.

Reflections, Day 9: Days of Awe, Days of Repentance

Eve of Yom Kippur

A note to my parents.

After I wrote my story of "Mom's" introduction to my new pagan identity of decades ago -- a wave of sadness came over me (so go the Days of Awe (and Repentance).

A piece of incomplete repentance due my Mom.

I was a challenge to her as the new bride of my father. And, ever after I'm sure.

This I've known, it seems, forever.

But now with more understanding and compassion than previously. I hadn't -- though -- until this moment felt the remorse of seeing in part -- how much sorrow it must have brought her.

And, the other elders of my family.

To see their next generation being so changed by the American way of life.

To havc seen people being tortured and murdered for a way of life -- their own -- and a heritage that the next generation -- mine -- could toss aside, as if almost a joke.

My pagan altar must have cut deeply into that place in my mom's mind, body and soul that remembered needing to hide the practices of Jewish traditions in a Shanghai, Jewish refugee camp (1939 -- 1945).

For my disregard, disrespect and insensitivity to that reality, up against my struggles to find me, I am sorry, Mom. Very sorry!

Somewhere there is a quiet resting place where the journey of immigrant Americans and assimilated Americans find healing and peace.

Maybe we are already there -- in "awe," Mom.

It was what you did with me my whole life after you came into it -- talk, have endless conversations.

That's what both you and Dad taught me! Conversations!

Now I teach that to others, Mom.

Talk things out!

Everything!

For always!

And, hold to your dignity and principles with it.

Simple, but not so easy.

Thanks Mom and Dad!

Only when and where we failed to take this action did things ever go awry.

I'll keep passing it on.

You taught me well; the secret to building "zones of peace," even if it takes a long, long time.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to learn.

The Cycles of My Personal Healing Process

Day 8 Part 3 of 3 parts (Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc.Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons SupportNetwork” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

I began my most recent systematic review around Labor Day, 1999 following a corneal transplant. The events of the past year had created enough upheaval to signal the need for me to enter a cycle of attention focused on a major body-mind-spiritual healing and cleansing. From the onset, I committed myself to completing this in-depth passage by December 31, 2000.

Not everyone will choose to take the afforded opportunity of life altering situations for personal transformation. The choice to proceed on an “Adventure of A Lifetime” is a vary personal one with many influencing factors. Having been exposed to severe loss and tragedy, beginning at the early age of seven, I saw the debilitating results of incomplete healing work that accrued in my family, following the birth and death of my baby sister.

When I finally discovered the advantages that could be gained by an in-depth healing of losses, I knew I would never again fall victim to having the joy of life disturbed indefinitely as a result of pulling back from a passage that ultimately could transform my losses into lessons and gifts.

The end.

The Cycles of My Personal Healing Process

Day 7 Part 2 of 3 parts
(Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc.
Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons Support Network” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

I periodically find myself called to enter a healing cycle beginning with a significant loss or a major life transition that evokes a review of my past and present circumstances.

The completion of such cycles, which have taken me anywhere from 1 months to five years of healing and cleansing, is generally marked by a definitive sense of rebirth. The process offers me the necessary signposts for identifying the next steps I must take on my forward path of conscious evolution. This work creates not only an emotional and spiritual transformation, but also brings about significant physical changes down to the cellular level in my body.

The first time I set aside a period of time for healing of this type was after my father’s death in July, 1976. Guided by the wisdom of my stepmother, the journey was structured to comply somewhat with Jewish mourning rituals. With additional guidance from one of my Transactional Analyst Clinical Trainers, Reverend Jim Morgan, I integrated what I was learning about confronting psychological obstacles with Jewish traditions (for mourning). Little did I realize at the time I began that my efforts to manage the unexpected death of my father, my life’s hero, would transform my life forever more. (To be continued.)

Reflections Day 6: How Our Local Jewish/Muslim Controvery Ended For Me

 "The Middle East Crisis In My Backyard"

After I posted my last blog, I pondered where to go next with my story. I decided to go to the end of it -- for now. Later, I can go back and tell more, as it becomes relevant for the purpose here; to provide something of value; lessons from which to learn.

That’s what storytelling offers. Insight!

So, how – in summary did it; the time of controversy end for me”?

Overall: Sorrow.

Jews versus Jews; Jews rejecting Muslims; Jews, pretending nothing was happening (like the emperor has no clothes); Jews isolating themselves from the greater community, dominantly Christian.

Polarization. Not good.

There was some progress on all sides. Great as first steps. Enough to save face -- and -- make a start.

Every step forward counts as a worthwhile endeavor. Not to be minimized.

Where there was silence – doing nothing -- it was -- is -- not without cost.

So let’s not do that one again!

Learn from the past and keep stepping forward so that someday we reach that place of “awe.”

My biggest lessons:

1. Jews cannot afford to be divided, if the true vision of a Jewish homeland is to be achieved. (Herzl The King: The Founder of Modern Israel, Norman Kotker, Chas. Scribner’s Sons, 1972)

2. Americans cannot be polarized and keep our peace secure! What’s my part? What can I do?

3. Conversation is an art to be treasured!

The Middle East Crisis In My Backyard (Excerpt)

by M. Anastasia Rosen-Jones with Marge Hulburt

How It Began For Me

In August, 2006, against a background of the wars in Iraq and the Middle East, a Jewish/Muslim controversy broke out in my backyard (Frederick News Post, August 18, 2006 – “Local Muslim Leader Talks Peace”).

As the newly elected, local president of a national Jewish women’s social action organization, I was thrust into the eye of the storm. With no advantageous place to run, I, thus, became a central participant in the drama that unfolded.

Because I am also a psychotherapist (retired), turned community development consultant and social activist, I had the skills and experience needed to resolve this volatile community crisis. By observing what was occurring systemically, I strategically assessed the situation – and -- figured out the proper steps to take. They worked superbly!

With the help of my volunteer corp – and – one single Jewish leader, we were successful. At least, temporarily -- and -- superficially.

However, because this was one of my very first significant community experiences; returning, as I was, to the mainstream after an eight year sabbatical due to my being blind for five years (1998 – 2003) -- and -- recovering from the ordeal for another three years (2003 – 2006), I was particularly vulnerable to the hostilities I saw all around me. And, though I paid a heavy price for my part in the drama, I was greatly transformed by it.

As I search my heart and mind, now, to, publicly, tell my version of the story of this “Middle East Crisis In My Backyard,” my heart is heavy, particularly at this time of the Jewish New Year. I want to tell my story with love and compassion. I will do my best. But this does not come easily to me. The circumstances, as I viewed them, hurt my heart, deeply – and -- called up a lurking shame in me of being Jewish.

Perhaps I expect too much of myself with this, love and compassion, as one of my major goals. Perhaps, given the present state of American Jewry, the controversies presently ravaging the United States in terms of Jewish/Muslim relations in our country and the Middle East, I can only weigh in with an attempt at balance for now.

The balance I seek between the best of my heartfelt desires – and – my very human instincts that hinder my attempts at complete clarity and compassion.

Nonetheless, here is my story – to be posted in bits and pieces on this blog. Hopefully what I am offering will serve all who read it to come closer to one another in peace.

Originally, I wrote this story out in 2007 and 2008. At that time I was telling it, pretty much, as I saw it as a consultant and experienced it as president of the women’s organization. I hadn’t, yet, come to the core of the matter in my heart, however. I hope I can get to more of it here with the informality that blogging offers.

The draft as I completed it in 2008 caused outrage in the local Jewish community. As a result – after much conversation (particularly with Sue), contemplation and negotiation with members of the board of the local, Jewish women’s organization, I promised to keep it quiet for a time.

That time of silence is now past.

There is much that can be learned from what occurred here in terms of modern Jews in America, their relationships with Muslims, the greater community surrounding them – and – with one another. Much that is needed at this critical time in America.

For now, this is my best effort to tell the truth of what I saw; as a key participant in the unfolding drama, as a professional with many years of experience in conflict resolution, as a woman who paid a dear price for my actions – and – now as a former anti-Semitic, recovering Jewish American Princess who must speak her mind.

With conviction in my heart for the well-known Jewish pledge, “Never again!”

I am, after all, "only one, but still I am one."

Dayenu -- it has to be enough.

Reflections, Day 4: Days of Awe, Days of Repentance

As I came awake this morning, aware of this day's call to the reconciling and healing responsibilities of the Jewish New Year, I recalled an article I wrote about ten years ago. It was written as I took another, similar inventory at the start of the new millenium. As I read it over, not having paid much attention to it for many years, I noticed how alike are the journey of healing from loss, the tasks of the Days of Repentance, the search for awe and the reconciling of problems of diversity and polarization.

Each requires a good deal of soul searching, personal responsibility, forgiveness and compassion for others, if one is to do it properly. It really is all essentially the same; searching for the mountain high of awe or the diving to the depths of one's Essence. I offer the article in parts as I wrote it ten years ago, beginning below.

The Cycles of My Personal Healing Process Part 1 of 3 parts By Anastasia Rosen-Jones, New Horizons Executive Director and Founder (Copyright permission -- courtesy of New Horizons Support Network, Inc. Reprinted from “The Voice Of the New Horizons Support Network” Vol: 2, Number 1, January – April, 2000)

Many of us, today, finding ourselves standing on the threshold of a new era, the 21st Century, are reviewing the past, present and future more conscientiously than, perhaps, ever before. For me, the process of doing healing work has as its normal structure the implementing of reviews on a regular basis such as are currently being signaled by the new millennium.

A healing process such as I am suggesting here begins with the identification of some kind of obstruction in the way of experiencing joy, fullness and the well being of one’s Essence. From this starting point of recognition, the healing process adventurer begins a descent much like a deep sea diver into the very depths of the psyche, moving down through layers of defense: anger, terror and gut wrenching pain until at last the Essence is retrieved. This is the sought after treasure that has been buried on the floor of the sea.

Much to our delighted surprise the rediscovery of the Essence carries with it even greater treasure than itself alone. With its resurfacing, a powerful sense of enlightenment, almost a jolt of knowingness, the experience of one’s Higher Self and a vast Cosmic Consciousness accompanies the cycle’s completion.

At this point, the healing process journeyer is aware of the cycle’s culmination, accompanied by a significant shift into a stare of well being. A powerful release of energy, formerly bound up, is now free for the individual to employ in new and creative ways. (To be continued)

Reflections: Day 3

A "Jewish" Thing To Do -- Taking Off The Masks We Wear

For me that means bringing forth hidden love and compassion.

(At least that is what I so often mask; generously showing my deep caring. I vow to do better this year, 5771, to show it.)

Has anyone not heard the story attributed to Rabbi Susya that follows.

Says the Rabbi --

"In the world to come I shall not be asked" Why were you not Moses?" I shall be asked"

"Why were you not Susaya?"

Her is another short anecdote.

My stepmother, a German Holocaust surivor (by way of China, not the death camps) visited me once when I was going through my "pagan phase."

Intent on affirming my non-Jewishness to her, I proudly showed off the altar I had set up in my bedroom with goddess artifacts, crystals, incense and so forth.

"See, Mom," I boasted, proud of my new identity, "I'm not Jewish anymore!"

"I believe you are fooling yourself," she said in gentle, true motherly fashion.

(She was always both gentle and in a true motherly manner.)

"You cannot not be Jewish! You were born to it."

"Besides, said she, "you have Sabbath candles on your new pagan altar.

And, they are sitting right there on it -- in your Sabbath candle holders!"

Moral of the story:

Some of us need to bounce around awhile to find our truths.

P.S. I'm still using that same Sabbath candlestick holder on that same pagan altar decades later. Only now I know myself to belong wherever I belong in my heart while my roots remain firmly rooted in the heritage from which I came.

Formerly, I thought I had to "quit" one in order to belong to the other.

Reflections: Days of Awe, Days of Repentance

Day 3 -- September 11

3:00 p.m

I am steeped in reading and re-reading the Rosh Hoshana prayers as I spend this sacred day in reflection.

One thing I am seeing is that my conscious intent to return to my Jewish heritage with joy is not about my faith.

It is about my acceptance of the culture of my inheritance; an embracing of how I came to the faith that is mine.

The faith I consciously selected for myself.

Reflections – Ten Days of Awe: Ten Days of Repentance

Days 2 and 3 (September 10 and September 11)

Conversation and contemplation replace my fury.

Anticipated joy on its way. For now careful reflection rules the day.

Thursday's conversation (first day of Rosh Hoshana) with Sandi led me to further reflection on the NYC mosque situation; perspectives and feelings revised.

My anger, replaced by contemplation.

Anger in me, sitting as if straight on the center of a balance beam.

Weighing in against what?

Compassion? I'm not certain. Perhaps enlightenment?

Certainly I am seeking "awe" by Yom Kippur.

Conversation -- meaningful conversation -- with those who are committed to thinking outside the box brings forth "elegant solutions."

Even if those solutions are only resolving dilemmas within oneself.

My Divine ZOP Sister, Sandi, is one I know I can count on to help me discover elegant solutions inside myself.

Sometimes the next step is some kind of elegant solution that takes the form of  tion. Sometimes not.

Sometimes the elegance and the awe just simply sit inside of me.

After talking with Sandi, I was back into prayer, reflection and conversations with G-d.

Soon "my Sue" arrived to more formally celebrate the Jewish New Year with me.

We spent some of our precious time reflecting on our misdeeds of the past years as Jewish tradition instructs.

Sitting on a massive rock at the confluence of the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers, we "cast off" our sins by throwing pieces of bread into the river.

Then we joined with each other in many other Rosh Hoshana traditions as the day progressed.

Today is September 11 -- sacred.

More serious contemplation.

Walking thoughtfully, carefully through the day.

Mindfulness meditation brings a healing heart. Clarity of mind.

It is truly all that I have at this moment.

Dayenu. Is it enough?

Reflections – Ten Days of Awe: Ten Days of Repentance

Day 1 (Thursday, September 9):

Joy, Fury, Contemplation, Conversation, Release

I was joyous this morning when I awakened to the sounds of the rustling leaves in the wind, the birds chirping outside my window. Oh, it was good to be alive! I was filled with my best Rosh Hoshana intentions.

Before bed last night (Wednesday night) I had read through the prayers of my High Holy Days prayer book, I was ready for this day; the first full day of my repentance, (New Year -- 5771).

My “right arm,” Quaker Sue, was coming to Harpers Ferry today. And, for the first time – in thirty years -- I would share my new found clarity and joy in my Jewish heritage with another person. And, sharing with Sue would have the added mitzvah of an interfaith sharing.

(The delay is another whole set of stories, having to do with how I became an anti-Semite, for almost no reason at all other than some very yukky acting Jews -- and -- an absence of some much-needed healing conversations that are still needed now!)

Sue and I would go to the woods of our Harpers Ferry Retreat Center and celebrate at our fire circle, the center of rituals and untold celebrations on this land for almost twenty years now.

Never once used in this way before.

I would be coming home to myself; my Jewish self in the process of uniting with the rest of me.

Oh, it would be so good to be home! Home on this land!

Home to me! I felt full from my head to my toes of being "my kind of Jew," at last, as I awakened.

Then I recalled that CNN had informed us that the imam of the illustrious NYC Mosque project was to have been interviewed last night on Larry King.

Damn! I was furious!

How insensitive! “

Just like those Muslims!” my righteously infuriated mind shouted out loud inside of me.

“Why did this imam of our recent controversy with Muslims pick the eve of our holiest days of the year to make his pitch?” the justifiably angry, former anti-Semitic, recovering Jewish American Princess part of me asked the whole of me.

I was sick to my stomach with his and their insensitivity.

The eve of Rosh Hoshana! How dare they?
“But "what kind of Jew" am I to think this way?” I wondered, brought up short ,as I was with second thoughts.

Had I not just read in my prayer book that my repentance demanded I turn away from anger.

Was my fury that good kind of healing and cleansing anger that had felt like my liberation last night?

Or was it something else, again? Just then my cell phone rang!

It was Sandi, #3 of the Divine Sisters ZOP (Zones of Peace), as we did declare on September 11, 2008.

(That be "Anastasia, Sandi and Sue" with one Divine ZOP Sister apprentice in training.)

As my next conversation began, I would, thus, be reminded, once again, how it came to be that the Days of Repentance” and the “Days of Awe” are one and the same on the Jewish calendar!

To be continued.

Reflections From A Former Anti-Semitic, Recovering Jewish American Princess

On The Eve of Rosh Hoshana

I look at my words; the vow I made to myself -- “that when the time came for me to publish this story that I would tell my story with love and compassion.”

Yet I am caught in a trap of my own making.

(That is why I could not write these past weeks; "writers block." "It's always something," my Jewish mother would say. )

I do have forgiveness, love and compassion, for the actors (and actresses) – but I am still angry at the “actions.”

What am I to do? I am mad!

And, it feels good, clean, healthy, like the fire of cleansing and healing!

(I don't want to give it up. It is the fire of my truth. The energy of my belief in social justice. The flame in me that burns for tikkun olam -- "world repair.")

The “NYC Mosque Controversy” pushes the issue for me.

It is time for me to focus on publishing my manuscript in progress, “The Middle East Crisis In My Backyard.”

I need an agent. This is too much for me on my own.

It is time for me to tell the story out in the world!

In the service of doing what is mine to do.

But I don’t want to make waves.

(Maybe I can't have it both ways. Maybe I have to choose.)

So what is “the next right thing for me to do? "

There is so much that is mine to do - the new book in progress as well as the Small “Zones Of Peace” Conversations Project.

• Mine – the psychotherapist turned community development coach and consultant.
• Mine – the former local president of the national Jewish women’s social action organization – now a local, Jewish pariah.
• Mine -- the former anti-Semitic American Jewess returned to my tribe in new form.

Dayenu – Is it enough that I begin?

This is my repentance for the Ten Days Of Awe, the Ten Days of Repentance, my heritage as a Jew – to wipe the slate clean and begin anew.

But how?

How do I move through the pockets where I am angry at the actions, yet in forgiveness of the actors and actresses?

I am pledged to do my best.

Though I am uncertain how to proceed.

Of one thing I am confident, it is so good to know who I am and stand in my truth for it.
Dayenu.

Another of my 1,000 masks comes off, I think?


A bit scarey. A bit liberating.


Dayenu.

"Dayenu" -- It is enough

I vowed that when the time came for me to publish this story (before I knew about the internet and blogging) that I would tell my story with love and compassion.

So here it is – without much editing and fancy publishing (I have grown weary of that for the time) – relatively spontaneously, off the cuff, ready to go.

Having decided that it is time – as the NYC mosque controversy escalates, keeping many on the edge of their seats – how do I begin?

How do I tell a story about an experience of a “Middle East Crisis In My Backyard” that brought me great pain, its remnants continuing to this day without significant healing between involved parties, fours years after the fact?

(For details of the public account of the controversy, check out the above link. For me, it is what happened behind the scenes, interwoven with the "public," that I am pressed to recount, sooner or later.)

And, do it with love and compassion?

I am not sure how to achieve what I am after.

When the message of my story -- how the collective "we" in the U.S.A. mange or fail to effectively manage our relationships with non-terrorist Muslims -- is closely aligned with our great fears of continued terrorist attacks brought to the fore.

 

Maybe it is enough that I make the effort to do this with love and compassion.

 

Dayenu.

(“Dayenu” is the Hebrew for the phrase, “it is enough,” as written in the Passover Hagadah.)

 

Maybe it is enough that one anti-Semitic, American Jewess (me) has come home to her tribe through the events that transpied.

 

Dayenu.

 

Maybe it is enough that a beautiful Christian congregation on the verge of closing benefited from lessons I (and my “right arm” Sue) learned from a partially successful, partially abortive effort to reconcile local Jews and Muslims.

 

Dayenu.

 

This is how I will begin my tale.

 

Dayenu.

It is enough to begin.